Author: ishtar39

NOT sending a letter

This is sort of a continuation of my last post.

One of the things I don’t like about myself is my capacity for stupid obsessions.
Ever since that phone call, I’ve been obsessing. It wasn’t going away or getting better. In the comments, Monday’s Child suggested that I allow the fantasy to play out.
That sort of made it worse.
Yesterday, it was even worse.
Now, logically I know that this is just a way for my brain to distract me from other things I need to be doing or from the fact that I’ve (almost) failed at something.
I posted on Facebook that I was mad at my “diseased brain”. One of my friends, another math teacher who has been a long-distance mentor, posted about my brain not being diseased. We then had a private chat where I told her some of the background information.
She said all the right things. And I know all those things.
He’s a liar; he’s a manipulator; he’s not worth my time and energy.
I know.
But knowing that doesn’t stop my stupid brain from running the fantasies.
If I squash it during my waking hours, it shows up in my sleeping ones. If I try to consciously redirect it to where I’m beating the crap out of him, it still keeps running back to reunion scenarios. If I don’t find a way to fight this, I know where I’ll end up – depressed and anxious.
Last night, after chatting with JF, I pulled out my affirmation notebook and wrote a few simple positive affirmations to try to clear the psychic decks.
By the time I was done writing three affirmations twenty times each, I felt like writing something else.
I wrote a letter to him.
Six pages.
Wow.
I had no idea I still had six pages of stuff to work out about him. I haven’t written that fluently in years.
It has some bitter-sweet stuff, some anger, some pity, some sadness in it.
But there was a theme through all six pages. His lack of respect for me came through very clearly, maybe more clearly than I’ve seen it before.
When I was done, I felt . . . empty. 
I have no intention of sending this to him. It wasn’t for him. It was for me.
Maybe now I can actually get some work done. 

Catch up, where I’ve been, things on my mind

So, yeah, it’s been almost a year since I wrote.

From mid-August to mid-January, I was student teaching while taking a grad school class to finish requirements for my teaching credential. It was exhausting, physically and emotionally.
Smack-dab in the middle of it, I had gallbladder attacks, near constant for most of the month of October. In mid-November, on my 42nd birthday, I had surgery to take it out. 
I only missed four days of teaching, but I think I pushed myself too hard.
When I finished the semester, I still needed to finish writing one paper to close out my grad school class. 
But I collapsed, physically and emotionally. It took more than four months before I was even able to leave the house. I had intended to substitute teach during the remainder of the school year, and the mentor teachers I worked with would have had me fill in for them, but I could not bring myself to finish the paperwork necessary to do it.
How messed up is that?
I just finished that paper, finally. But it was after the Incomplete had already reverted to an Unsatisfactory. I don’t know yet if I’ll be able to get it accepted. I’m waiting to hear from the department director and my counselor about it. I think it will probably go through, or there is an appeal process I can use. 
I’m beating myself up over it. There was no reason for it to take this long.
Except, now I’m wondering if I can really handle teaching? Can I? If one semester wore me out that much? Should I have tried harder to get full disability back when my therapist thought I needed it instead of fighting to work and finish school? 
Anyway, during the workups leading to the surgery, I discovered that I’m insulin-resistant. The doctor also had mentioned metabolic syndrome. When my mother was diagnosed diabetic a few months ago, I finally got serious about losing weight. 
My friends and I started a blog 2 years ago to support each other losing weight:  http://2010flacas.blogspot.com/ . However, all of us gave up, and stopped writing. Since March, I’ve been blogging pretty consistently over there, working out and counting calories. My highest ever weight was last June at 199.6 lbs, in March I was between 193-196 lbs. Right now, I’m around 178 lbs and lifting heavy weights. The others tell me they’re inspired, but they rarely write.

What I really wanted to write about today, though, was something that happened in early May. I wrote about it on the Las Flacas blog as “an emotional punch to the gut” but I didn’t talk about it in detail over there.

I think I’m ready to talk about it now.

My ex-husband called me, totally out of the blue.

It’s been 18 years since he left me, and 11 years since the last time I spoke to him. He called a couple of days after what would have been our 19 year anniversary. 

He told me he’s been seeing a therapist and the therapist wants him to explore problems in his previous relationships. So he called me.

Now, he knows that I’ve been in therapy. And I know there’s no way in hell that his therapist told him to call me. Because, you know, of course I talked about him in therapy, but I was never encouraged to CALL him. Because he needs to explore HIS feelings about the relationship, not mine.

There were a couple of times when his voice trembled, like he was nervous. And toward the end of the very brief conversation, he said he’d call me back when he had more time to talk (because he called me on his ten minute break from work – to talk about relationship issues! Um, yeah). 

I said, “You know what? Just don’t.”

He sounded very sad when he said, “I shouldn’t? Don’t?”

No, really, just don’t.

Thing is, you see, he’s still with the woman he left me for, 18 years ago. And I’m fairly certain they are actually married.

And if he’s in therapy and exploring previous relationships, that means there’s issues in his current relationship.
I really don’t see where it’s up to me to help him fix his current relationship!
But also?
He called me on his break from work. 
So SHE wouldn’t know he’d called me.
And he’s obviously been online stalking me for awhile.
Last year, he sent me an email when his cat died.
He sent it to my tutoring email address, which had to be found on my business’ website. I assume that’s also how he got my phone number.
He said he’d been “keeping tabs” on me for some time.
That’s creepy, isn’t it?
I mean, he left me and cut me out of his life. So why is he “keeping tabs” on me?
It could be that he’s turning 40 next January, IIRC. I’m sure this is a mid-life thing. Perhaps he has some regrets.
I don’t know.
I don’t care.
Except that he still has this stupid effect on me. 
My dreams have been full of reunion scenarios.
That pisses me off no end. At least I’ve been able to use that anger to fuel my workouts.
But it also distracts me from the million and one things I have to do.
I still have steps to take to finish my credential.
I have to create invoices for the contract job I’ve been doing. I need that money.
I need to look for a job, write a teaching resume, contact people for letters of recommendation. . .
And I’m fighting my brain coming up with stupid fantasies.
It’s a waste of emotional energy.
Maybe if I were dating someone, that would go away? But it’s not like I’ve had any energy to spare for that.
I put up a profile on OkCupid a few days ago, but I’m thinking of taking it down, because I’m not really ready to date.
I need my energy for other things right now.
SO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD, ASSHOLE.


Swagbucks

Anyone who has been following my facebook feed has seen me be completely nuts about Swagbucks. You can win or earn “swagbucks” for various activities, including searching the web. Some daily bucks you can win include:

1 for installing the toolbar (yes, every day you reopen your browser, you get a point for having the toolbar)
1 for a daily 1-question poll
3-15 for SwagbucksTV. Every 10 videos you watch, you get 3 SB up to 5x daily.
2-10 for playing games. Every 2 or 3 games you play, click on “back to games” and you get credited for 2 SB up to 5x per day
5 for Ad Rewards – go to “special offers” and then “ad rewards”. Answer three survey-type questions and then watch 5 videos. During each video, 2 numbers will be displayed. After the video, enter the two numbers, and receive a swagbuck.

You can also get random SBs ranging from 5-50 for searches 3-4 times a day.

I’ve clipped some coupons and used them, but they say it takes 8-12 weeks to credit them. I think it’s supposed to be 10 sb per coupon.

So far, in about a month, I’ve earned 3 $5 Amazon Gift Cards, and I’m only 117 SB away from a fourth. There are lots of things you can buy with the Swagbucks, but the $5 Amazon gift card is one of the best deals for the bucks.

So, if you’re interested, sign up through me at Swagbucks. I will get referral swagbucks, up to 1000, for any SBs you earn for searching only.

I’m completely obsessed with this!

Burned out on School

I just finished 10 monthly classes at National University.

National is one of those for-profit private universities aimed at working adults. I’m in a graduate program for my teaching credential, and took all my classes online.

On the one hand, being able to get the classes out of the way quickly was very cool.

On the other, I’m so burned out. Burned out on school. I’m prickly and pissed off all the time. I don’t want to be around people. My grades were ok, but the classes were frustrating.

There have been times when the school did not help me very much, like finding classes to observe, or receiving guidelines for those observations.

Now, I’m supposed to do student teaching in the Fall, but I haven’t heard anything from the school. I’m pretty sure there are a few other things I need to do before I can do the student teaching, and it’s not done yet, so once again, I sabotage myself with paper work.

One of the things is Teaching Performance Assessments. I have to fill two of these out and pass them before I can student teach. I totally don’t know how to do them, and the school has been no help at all. So, I’ve blown them off until now. Now, I must finish them in a couple of weeks.

I need to make an appointment to see my counselor, because they are changing something about the student teaching classes.

I also need to get my waiver letter that shows I’m qualified to teach math. I should have done that months ago. I actually called and talked to the department head about it in January, but I never went to the school to pick it up.

I have not seen my best friend in months, and I could not see her the last time she called. She has barely communicated with me since. I know it’s my fault for not being available or making time for her, but I just haven’t been able to make the first move.

I’m tired, and I shouldn’t be. I’m not working full time now, and I only have a couple of tutoring clients. I did a lot of cleaning on Monday, and that felt good, but then I didn’t follow through the rest of the week.

I’ve been erratic about taking my medication, which is part of the problem. I’m back to filling a weekly pill box so I can tell at a glance if I’ve taken them or not, instead of relying on my (spotty) memory.

I guess this post doesn’t really have a point, but I sort of needed to vent, I guess.

Early depression signs

Over the last 5-6 weeks, I’ve been sliding slowing into depression. I’m not non-functional yet, but there’s a lot of negative signs.

This came to my attention in earnest on Sunday, when I realized I had not showered since Friday morning. This is not as bad as it has been in the past (when I’d go up to four days without paying attention to basic hygiene). But it is definitely a bad sign.

I think it started early in March.

My truck (a 1992 GMC Sonoma) had a major problem. It has had a lot of problems in the last few years, that I haven’t had the money to fix. The whole exhaust system needs to be replaced. The radiator has a slow leak. It’s been leaking oil, and getting worse. It started out where I’d have to add a quart of oil every 4-6 weeks. As of March, I was adding a quart a week or more. Driving one day in early March, the temperature gauge showed a higher temp than normal. I stopped and put water in the radiator, and realized the oil was low again, too. Added oil. It seemed fine for a little bit, but when driving to a client, the temp gauge was still high. I don’t know what happened, but SOMETHING happened when both the radiator and oil were low that day. The engine now smells wrong. It feels wrong, it sounds wrong. There’s something majorly wrong.

Serendipitously, that same day, the client I was seeing mentioned that she was selling a car she bought for her daughter. The car is a stick shift, and the daughter couldn’t get coordinated enough to drive the car. It’s actually OLDER than my truck, which gave me pause at first. But it has very low miles.

So, later that week, I bought it. I felt pretty good about it, except that the money used to buy it was supposed to help me through summer, when I’ll be losing Voc Rehab money. Then there were the associated costs and headaches. Smog check. Insurance. Registration. All that stuff. On the one hand, I feel pretty good that I was able to handle it all in a timely manner.

But I think doing so drained my emotional reserves.

The class I had in March also worked on draining some of my energy. There were problems with the class and my procrastination was pushed to the limit. I turned in everything late. I got my lowest grad school grade, a B+. Now, a B+ is not a BAD grade, but I was doing well with A’s and A-‘s. I’m a bit annoyed at myself.

I’ve also forgotten client appointments.

I’ve lost a couple of clients. Not because of the missed appointments, but because of schedule changes, and one client’s mother is losing her job.

C’s laptop died. I first thought it was the monitor. It wasn’t. It’s the graphics processor, and a known problem in models similar to this one. $175 repair.

On top of buying a car and the associated costs, replacing a damaged tire recently, C needed new shoes, now this. . . My very little monetary reserves are drying up, and I’m stressed about this.

I should start to hustle for more clients, because I need the money, but I can’t bring myself to do it.

I haven’t even submitted my invoice to the company for my hours for March yet.

Yesterday, I went to the gym. I’ll go again tomorrow. I’m becoming more diligent about my medications. I have a dr’s appt with my pdoc on May 2, 3pm

I know part of the problem is that I haven’t been sleeping enough at night. C’s been up every night really late, which means I’m up late, too.

So, I’m taking steps to fight this. But it’s difficult. And I’m feeling kind of drained.

Learning to make money

When I was a kid and a teenager, I did a ton of things to try to make money. I sold stuff door to door (which I hated every second of). I spent weekends sitting in a booth at the flea market either for my mother or my grandfather. I baby sat. I house sat. Pet sat. Cleaned houses. At 15 a friend got me a job at an ice cream shop for ~10 hours a week. At minimum wage, which at the time was $3.35/hr. And at 16, I was working at McD’s. I spent every dime I made, and didn’t learn crap about saving, but I was making my own money whenever and however I could.

Even though we’ve been pretty darn poor at points, my daughter had not seemed to pick up on how to do this. I’ve tried to encourage her to walk dogs or baby sit or help little old ladies. She hasn’t been interested at all.

Over the summer, she was practicing doing really elaborate mehndi/henna designs. I told her how much money she could make if she tried doing them for other people. She didn’t want to hear it.

She started making friendship bracelets. Actually, she learned how ages ago, but recently started doing some really elaborate ones, and taking customized orders. I told her she should sell them. Other people told her she should sell them. She kept saying it was nothing and she just couldn’t sell them to her friends.

Finally, one of her friends, J, talked her into starting a business with it. They decided they’d sell the small plain ones for $3 and the bigger, more complicated ones for $5.

At tae kwon do, Master CW asked her to make a customized bracelet, and said that if she could do it in 2 days, he’d pay her $20.

FINALLY, she got excited about doing this. She finished it in the time period and got her $20. Then she took orders for several more customized bracelets from other kids at TKD.

She intended to stick to her $3 & $5 schedule. Master CW wouldn’t let her devalue herself like that. He talked the boys (yes, boys) that were ordering the bracelets into paying much more than she was comfortable with. I’m not sure how much, but I know it’s at least $8/per, customization more.

She’s got a long list of custom orders and some kids have pre-paid.

She’s getting excited about it.

She’s decided that she’s not going to sell hers at her own school, because J is selling them there. She doesn’t think it would be fair to charge some people $3-5 and charge other people $8+. So, to keep her higher prices, she’s going to sell them to people at TKD. Since most of the TKD kids go to other schools, then she’ll use them to sell some at the other schools.

I’ve also told her that if she builds up an inventory, I’ll reopen my Etsy page for her to sell them there. But I’m kinda thinking she needs her OWN Etsy page.

It’s been fun to watch this transition.

Former Morning Person

I’ve had so many partial blog posts written that it is crazy. I write a few sentences, and then lose my flow, and can’t seem to get started back with that topic again.
So, today, I’m asking a question: are you a morning person or a night owl? Have you noticed other things about your personal circadian rhythm? 
I’ve been reading and watching videos of a bunch of small business blogs. I’m on several email lists for these bloggers, and so I’m getting some content not available on their blogs. For example, Ramit Sethi of I Will Teach You to be Rich is getting ready to launch a revamped version of his Earn 1K package. I already know I will not be able to afford this, but I’m taking advantage of the free content he’s emailing. Last week one of the things he linked to was a sample video from one of his “master classes” about time management. He had Tim Ferris, the time management guru of The Four Hour Workweek.
During the brief video, they had a discussion about working late or working early. Ferris said that he thinks most people that he knows that write, write between the hours of 2-5 am. Some of them, like him, stay up late to write, and others, like Ramit, get up early in the morning. But they both try to do concentrated work during the hours they have the most energy. They both say that is key to having a successful business and being a successful writer.
For me, I’m by nature an annoying morning person: I wake up before the alarm, I don’t drink coffee or ingest other caffeine to get going, I’m cheerful and even sometimes bouncy.
However, one of the medications that I take has been trying to change that. The medication that I take at night, a medication that acts as a mood stabilizer, has the side effect of helping me sleep. I sleep deeper and longer than I have in many years thanks to this medication. But it makes it difficult for me to wake up in the morning in my usual way. I now need the alarm. I stay in bed until after C is done with her shower instead of getting up half an hour before her.
The problem is that I still think of myself as a morning person. I keep thinking, “I’ll do that in the morning, before I go do [whatever].”
But now, that is not my highest energy time.
I need to adapt my thinking to face this new reality. Or take my night-time medication earlier so I’m not so tired in the morning. I love being productive early in the day. But I need to find ways to cope now, and be productive with my current energy cycles.
So, I’m putting it out there for you guys: What time of day are you most energetic and/or productive? Do you maximize your high energy time by accomplishing tasks in your home, with your family, or on your business during your high energy time?

Not my business

I want to make a point here that this blog is NOT my business.
This blog is about accountability, personal growth, crap I’m going through, and talking about my business in a place where my business customers are not hanging out.
I’m pretty sure that most of the people reading this one at this point are my friends and family. Which is great, and exactly what I want this blog to be.
 
I’m not working on building a ton of traffic here or looking at monetizing this in any real way.
Why do I say this?
Because I just watched Ittybiz’s final Fail-Proof video where Dave & Naomi are talking about accountability, and how an accountability group is NOT a support group.
This hit me like a bolt of lightning.
Accountability is not support; it’s accountability. There must be some fear of being accountable in order for it to work. This makes so much sense, and I’m not sure why I never thought that before.
Anyway, I think after watching that video that I can talk about my business struggles here, since here is not connected to my business. And you guys can push me.
But I also need to find someone that is already successful at something similar to add to my accountability list.
That’s a completely scary idea.

Burn out

In my afternoons and evenings, I tutor math.
I enjoy doing it, and I’m working on building a bigger business around it.
But, since August, I’ve been working during the day, tutoring in the evenings, creating a class around one student, staying up late to do grad school work (for my teaching credential) and trying to stay involved in my teenage daughter’s life.
I’m flat out exhausted. I’ve stopped spending a lot of time with BFF because I’ve been so tired and I need to have time to recharge.
For months I’ve been looking forward to this week, the week between Xmas and New Year’s. This week I have no grad school class. I knew I was going to be furloughed this week from work. And 99% of the time, my clients don’t need help during this week.
Last week, I contacted an old client that has pre-paid for several sessions, but hadn’t used them yet.
I was trying to see if she’d need me soon.
And she does, and that’s great.
Except she wanted help this week.
And I’ve been so resentful on this demand on my time, when I thought I wouldn’t be working, that I haven’t even called to set up the appointment.
I need to get over this and call her so I don’t lose the client. But I’m so tired!

"Very Personal Ads"

Have you visited The Fluent Self? www.thefluentself.com
I love Havi. I can’t handle reading her every day, but when I’m in the mood for extreme silliness and motivation, I go straight to her site.
I want to learn Shiva Nata, but I can’t afford the basic learning package.
Someone was going to pay for me to see her when she came to Sacramento a few weeks ago, but I was too late signing up and the class was full.
So, I used some of the Holiday money I received to finally download the Monster Manual & Coloring Book.
Monsters! Of DOOOOM!
C and I have been having fun coloring monsters. And since it’s an ebook, we can print it out again and again and color them differently. Maybe I’ll scan and post a few of my monsters in the coming weeks. Anyway, another thing that Havi does is Very Personal Ads.
Every week, she writes an “ad” for something that she wants in her life. A house, a Playground for her business, more time to live her life, success for her business projects, anything that she feels she needs in her life.
She hates the word “manifest” but to me, this feels like basics of Magick and/or the New Age idea of Manifestation. In order to craft a good spell, you need to be able to articulate exactly what you want. And then you have to release your emotional attachment to it. It’s also the basis for a lot of New Age stuff (what is now apparently being called Airy Fairy Woo Woo Hippy Crap). I’m used to keeping these things private, though, not sticking them out there for the whole world to see. 
What I like about Havi’s Very Personal Ads is that not only does she list her goals, she lists the mundane steps she needs to take to make them come true. She calls this “how this could happen.”
She does these every week.
I’m not good at making firm goals or plans. This is one of the things I’m really working on.
I don’t think I can commit to doing goals once a week. I’m not good at even making them once a year.
But maybe I can do it once a month.
This post is already getting long, but I’m going to list a few here now.
  • Sufficient income to pay my bills and start accumulating some savings. I have a number in mind, but I’m a little reluctant to post that.
  • At least half of that income coming from my business.
  • I need to “up my game” with regards to my business. I missed out on IttyBiz’s last big sale, and now her store is closed. Again, I didn’t have the money to invest in tools that might help my business. Likewise, I can’t afford to invest in Dave Navarro’s (not the music guy) big sale before everything costs waaaaay too much. I’m really tired of not being able to take advantage of tools that could help me (I also couldn’t afford Ramit Sethi’s Earn 1K). I’m tired of that. But I CAN take advantage of notes I took during Ramit’s free webinars, and notes I’ve been making off of Naomi Dunford’s and Dave Navarro’s Failproof Your Business series. And I’ve downloaded Dave’s free content and I’ve started working on the 4 free workbooks he’s got. Anyway, I’m taking small steps here.
  •  By the end of January, I want to have my tutoring website revamped, at least one video made, finish the Study Skills ebook and have it ready for sale.
  • I want a list of at least 2000 people. That may seem small to some people, but since I have less than 20 people following on FeedBurner, 2000 seems like a lot to me.
Is this doable in a month? I’m only working 8 hours at my day job, doing my normal tutoring, and classes start again next week. 
Is this too much? 
I should have at least a couple of hours every weekday to work on this. Is that enough?