Author: ishtar39

Blogging Challenge

I joined The Ultimate Blogging Challenge on June 30.

I was supposed to post every day in July, but because of all the heatwave stuff happening, I didn’t post the first three days.

To make up for it, I need to post extra a few days. I’ve also promised a guest post to someone this month, so I really better get writing. 🙂

Yesterday, I was asking for direction from my readers. One of the things I said was that there’s already a lot of other information on Tarot and Oracle card reading out there, and I was having problems seeing what I could add to the cacophony.

Picture from Pixabay

Today, I see this quote:

“Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best” – Henry Van Dyke

Well, doesn’t that put me in my place.

And the funny thing is, I know this. I’ve advised people on this, frequently.

I know I can’t sing. I sing along to songs I like anyway.

I’m sure I’m not the best dancer, but when I feel like dancing, I do it.

I’m encouraging a friend to write regularly, even though he thinks he’s not as good as authors he reads.

It’s not about being the best in the world. It’s about doing something you want to do – pursuing something you feel the need to do, whether or not you get recognition from the world.

And maybe your (my) unique voice can reach someone, help someone.

What do you like to do? What holds you back from doing it?

What direction now?

The last week has been rough for a couple/few reasons.

1. There was a heatwave for the last 7 days. I don’t do well in hot to begin with, and 105+ degrees (Fahrenheit) doesn’t help.
2. The air conditioning in my apartment is still broken. I’ve been having trouble with it for about a year and a half now. No one knows what is wrong. They’ve replaced everything except the lines. Tuesday they thought everything was fine, but it was over 85 degrees inside at 10pm. The expert can’t get out there until Friday (the 5th).
3. The brake lights on my car are doing this weird thing where one of them isn’t going out. So, I had a dead battery. I needed to replace the battery, but didn’t have the money and had to borrow that.
4. I’ve been staying at friends’ homes while waiting for the a/c expert.
5. All last weekend, I slept about 4-6 hours, broken sleep, not good sleep. Losing sleep is very bad for my mood state.

I feel disconnected from everything, even though I spent most of the day yesterday getting caught up on sleep. I thought I’d feel better after I slept, but I don’t.

I’m doing various things right now to bring in money, and even though there’s a lull right now, things will pick up a bit in August.

But my energy is scattered because I can’t concentrate on any of the things.

I’m trying to turn the blog into a business, and in some ways it’s starting to move. I’ve made a couple hundred dollars each month since I started doing the Tarot readings, a little more each month. My FB page now has just under 150 “likes”. On FB, people respond and we’ve gotten a few good conversations going. Those are good things. When I pay attention to it and post regularly, stuff happens.

I’ve been trying to think of what my next step with this business is.

If I want the blog and business to concentrate on the Tarot and Oracle card readings, the next step would be to start writing up a series of “how to” posts, and then eventually package them as an ebook or an online class.

Except. . . .

I started selling the readings so that I had something to sell, so I could get started right away. And I like doing them, and it’s going well. But I never intended for my blog and/or business to concentrate only on those things.

Whenever I start thinking about writing up training stuff, I just think. . . . There’s already so.fucking.much. out there. There are literally hundreds of books written on the topic, and I don’t know how to even count how many websites doing it.

I guess I feel like it’s not that difficult, like anyone can do it if they want to.

But is that true? Or is it just my mood state making me feel inadequate? After all, I’ve been reading on and off for about 25 years. Maybe there’s something in my head that could help people?

Just pick up a couple/few books and start practicing on people you know. Meditate on a new card every day. Keep a notebook and write up what comes up for you in the meditation. Practice, practice, practice. Make sure you read several books and get different perspectives. Maybe play with a little numerology or look into how the cards correspond with various aspects of the Kabbalah’s Tree of Life. . . .

I think part of me feels that if I start down that road, I won’t be able to change later, but as I write that sentence, I realize that is a silly fear – I’m in charge, I can always change direction or add to it.

So, I’m asking – Would any of my readers be interested in that?

I started writing up how I was learning a new oracle deck on FB in the “notes” section, but that didn’t garner any responses at all.

If you’re NOT interested in that, what would you be interested in?

Instructions on meditating, with things like email reminders to get you to take a few minutes to clear your head? Guided meditations?

More posts on how to get through hard times?

More posts on mental illness?

Feeling better about yourself?

Looking for some ideas here, if you’ve got anything, comment here or on the FB page.

But I still need shoes!

“I was sad/upset/complained that I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet” 

photo by Ishtar

A fairly common bit of “wisdom” (pseudo-wisdom?)

It’s supposed to be a reminder to be grateful for the things you have by realizing that maybe what you have isn’t so bad.

A brief aside:

In May, I mentioned a site where another person with Bipolar had a list of the “worst things to say” to people with mental health issues.

Number 2 on the list was

“There are a lot of people worse off than you.” 

Number 3 is

“You have so many things to be thankful for, how can you be depressed?”

To me, these are intimately connected, partly because of the “no feet” bit of common wisdom.

I “shared” a meme on my personal FB page today that said,

“Saying someone can’t be sad because someone else may have it worse is just like saying someone can’t be happy because someone else might have it better.”

A friend responded by saying it’s about perspective, and her life is pretty good even if she doesn’t have everything she wants.

And I get that. It’s great that she feels that way.

There are always things to be grateful for, and it can help to think about those things when you’re down. I’ve talked about working on Gratitude this year; I know it’s good psychologically and spiritually.

BUT. . . .

What if. . . .

Using the shoes/feet metaphor, my feet are bleeding because I’ve been barefoot so long.

So, yes, if I see the guy with no feet, I’m grateful I have feet, BUT, my feet are in still in pain. My feet are in danger of getting infected. I’m in danger of losing my feet.

And if you keep pointing the guy with no feet out to me, it doesn’t help me heal.

I still need shoes!

Continuing to show me pictures of people with no feet and telling me to be happy about my shredded, bleeding, cold, painful feet doesn’t help me, because I still need the goddamn shoes.

Am I taking the metaphor too far?

How about some Real Life examples?

I’m am extremely grateful that when I could no longer pay rent, my friend was able to let me sleep on her floor for 4 months, so I/we didn’t end up on the street. It was amazing that she did that for us, even though it put her lease in danger and strained our friendship at times.

But I was still in a position of being evicted from our home, having no money and no job and unable to see a way out at that time. I was still in a position of having no home for my daughter and trying to keep her in her school for some sense of stability. I am still responsible for giving my child that as a childhood experience/memory.

And then there was a great conversation with my therapist.

At the time, I was taking some hard classes and hanging out and studying with this one woman. She was smart, funny, and very hard-working.

And she was in a wheelchair.

I never asked what was wrong with her; I thought it was something neuromuscular, because she had some fine motor problems as well.

I was comparing myself to her.

I was trying to think, “At least things aren’t that bad for me.”

It didn’t make me feel better.

In fact, I felt guilty about trying to feel better about someone else’s misfortune.

I was talking to my therapist, and she told me to stop, just STOP comparing my situation with other people’s.

Yes, this woman had physical disabilities, but she also had a great support system that helped her with a lot of what she needed help with. At that time, my support system wasn’t all that strong.

Our situations were totally different.

And even though her life had challenges, so did mine!

By trying to compare myself to her, I was trying to minimize my challenges, minimize or erase my problems.

I was belittling myself for not being grateful enough for not being in that chair.

I was not honoring my own life, my own problems, my own path, my own feelings.

I was suppressing my emotions.

None of that is good or helpful for me.

Going back to the original statement that spurred this post:

“Saying someone can’t be sad because someone else may have it worse is just like saying someone can’t be happy because someone else might have it better.”

The point, I think, if I’ve got one, is

Stop comparing yourself to others!

That’s it.

Just stop.

Everyone has struggles, problems, bad things in their life.

You probably don’t know what they are.

Don’t be thankful that you’re not in as bad a position as someone else is.

Try not to be envious if you think someone else’s life is better (that one is so fucking hard, I know! Still working on it. . .)

Don’t tell someone else that they have nothing to worry about because so-and-so has it worse.

There is no better/worse.

There is only different.

Don’t tell me to be thankful that I’m not. . ..whatever. . . like so-and-so over there.

Don’t point out the guy with no feet.

Remind me of the good things I have, to help me think about those.

Remind me that my daughter is turning into a great human being.

Remind me that I *did* finally finish my degree.

Remind me of the times that I took risks and they panned out.

But don’t tell me to feel better because someone else has it worse.

Don’t point out the guy with no feet to try to help me feel better.

Because I still need the shoes!

Business: Networking and Social Media

There are things you are “supposed” to do to promote a business like the one I’m trying to get started here.

Part of that is to “be authentic” (pretty sure I’ve got that down – you guys see the good and the bad!).

And you’ve got to be “present” in social media on a regular basis – I’m probably a little too real there, but not really . . . pushy enough on the selling.

Having “mastermind” and/or support groups with others walking a similar path is supposed to help (when we’re not all comparing ourselves to each other!)

But there’s a problem with that sometimes.

First, I’m part of a couple of great smaller groups – my little masterminds (3 people each!) I love! One has been somewhat dormant, but when we do post stuff there, or talk, it’s good. In the beginning we had a couple of telephone conversations/meetings that really spurred us to get some stuff done.

But the somewhat larger groups. . . .

There’s supposed to be talking about what we’re doing in our businesses, yes, but asking for help, giving help and inspiration, TALKING to each other. . . .

And after a fairly short period of time, two that started out really, really well turned into advertisements for trying to sell to each other. In particular, two or three people that offer great services started spamming several groups at once.

It totally ruined the atmosphere.

So many of us stopped posting because of it.

Recently, a couple of people, including me, have tried to revive the groups in the spirit of which they were intended. And it’s failing.  I know one left in a huff because she felt she was being chastised. Others are just not even looking. Something I posted earlier today only had 3 views out of 79 people who are members.

I posted this in the group that I thought would get the most feedback. Three of these groups are somewhat nested in each other. Group 1 has 700 member, subgroup 2 has 79, subgroup 3 has 51. Everyone in subgroups 2 and 3 are in group 1 and some overlap between 2 & 3. So, I don’t want to post the same thing in all three places – that’s spammy and self-serving, even if I’m not selling anything.

And then there’s Group 4, which is totally separate, but still has a couple dozen overlapping people – so, again, I don’t want to keep posting it in different places.

But I thought more than 3 people would see it where I posted.

And they probably will, eventually. I’m probably overreacting – I do that sometimes, but I’m not the only one that thinks this happens.

Recently, another leader in the spiritual/self-help business community started another of these groups with the stated intention that it be for “authentically” connecting – which is GREAT. But there’s already over 400 people.

I’m afraid that this will start out gangbusters, and then it will die – again.

Maybe not – this woman has a large following and does good stuff, and it appears she wants to moderate the group. If there continues to be moderation, it might be good.

I think that’s the problem with the other groups – not enough moderation.

But why do we do that? We’re supposed to be supporting each other. To SOME extent that means talking about our services, but it should be so much more than that. Talking about:

  • How to find our target audience?
  • Sales techniques that don’t feel spammy, or too salesy?
  • What to do when X isn’t working?
  • Do we need support to get something going? Encouragement not to give up?
  • Help with pricing?
  • Feedback on our offerings? 
  • Testing our offerings out with each other?
Why did it turn into trying to sell to each other?
Where did the support go?
Today, during a nap, I had a dream that I really felt was about trying to build this business.
Last week, I was offered an opportunity that might end up helping me grow rapidly.
Taking advantage of the opportunity is a great risk, and I was really wishy-washy about it.
But earlier this year, saying, “Yes,” to a few things got me some well-timed help and information.
While I’m not making nearly enough money to live on, I have made moves to actually DO stuff, which I had not done in several years previous. 
This help and info got me moving – taking action – which is something I had been scared to do.
So, I spent several days consciously thinking about this opportunity.
And yesterday, I spent a great deal of time in meditation, unsure if I was making the right decision.
I still did not really reach a strong decision. 
But today, I took a nap, and I had this dream.  . . . and this is what I posted to this support group:
photo by cosmic dustbunny
As part of the dream, I was going to go skinny-dipping in this beautiful lake. As I got close to the shore, the  edge of the lake wasn’t nearly as nice as it looked from a distance, but that wasn’t going to stop me. 

I got undressed and started to go into the water. I expected it to be cool, but it was colder than I expected. Still not going to stop me, though. 

I start wading out. The rocks under the shallow water go from being smooth to pointy, cutting into my feet, and the water still isn’t deep enough to actually swim. But I keep going.

The water is about knee deep when I come to a drop off, where the lake suddenly gets a lot deeper. Suddenly, the water isn’t clear any more – it’s dark, almost black. Something moves under the water, and I can’t see what it was.

Now, I am suddenly fearful. If the water is this cold in the shallows, it MUST be even colder in the deep part. And I can’t see what’s in the water. What if there are dangerous animals? I really WANT to go swimming but I’m so scared, I freeze and just stand there for a minute, and then turn back. I’m mad at myself for turning back, but tell myself I will go get someone to come in with me, it wouldn’t be so scary then.

The dream morphed into something else then, in the way of dreams, but damn, if that and the disappointment I felt when waking up isn’t a CLEAR message to keep going, I don’t know what would be.

So, it’s scary, I don’t know where it leads, what’s under the water or where to go next, but damn if I don’t need to jump in and see.




So, I think I need to take the opportunity – if it’s still on the table.

The Jealousy: I Haz It

Right now, I’m fighting the Green-Eyed Monster on several fronts.

Writing

I think I’m a fairly decent writer.

However, I know a guy that can evoke emotion much more strongly than I do in his writing, seemingly effortlessly. I get more out there for others to read, and I proofread more, but he can blow me away with a turn of phrase or a strong emotion.

And my friend D. She writes these long, informative, researched and really good posts three times a week. She’s only been blogging since November last year, and she has only 20 or so fewer posts than I have, and she already gets more hits per post on her blog, has more readers.

I know how she does it. She’s consistent and she advertises it and sends messages and stuff to places and people where/who she thinks will be interested in her individual posts. (Although as I’m updating this for publication, I note she hasn’t posted in a month. I know she’s had some personal things going on, and hasn’t had the energy to write lately).

That is more than I do. I tend to only pimp posts I’m proud of, like the Compliments post and now the Intuition vs. Fear post.

But I could do more. And I’m starting to, now. But I feel as though I’ve been spinning my wheels staying in one spot too long.

I’m also jealous that she *always* has a point, and some research and/or quotes.

I *want* my posts to be more like that, but I tend to . . . whine about my life.

Health & Fitness

For awhile last year, I was doing really, really well. I was lifting on a schedule, counting calories, not only losing “weight” but reshaping my body, dropping body fat. There were so many great people that I connected to on My Fitness Pal that were doing the same things I was doing. And their results were way more dramatic than mine. 
I fell off the wagon, and I stopped connecting to those people. I stopped writing on my fitness blog.
Now when I get emails from the fitness inspiration people I signed up with, I feel guilty and just delete them without even reading them. 
To make matters worse, I’ve gained most of the weight back. Because I’m not lifting, my belly has grown again. I feel sluggish. I hate it. 
It seems like a lot of the blogs I read have this women who are in good shape. I mean, have you seen how hot Marie Forleo is?
Even those that aren’t slender, they’re all talking about eating organic, making green smoothies, going vegetarian or paleo, juicing, hitting the farmer’s markets. . . . and I’m just trying to keep food on the table which means a lot of rice, beans, potatoes (cheap and filling and lasts a long time). . . . 

Money, Career, Business

This one is hard to talk about for a lot of reasons.
I’ve spent much of the last 13 years posting on a set of financial forums. I know how to manage money. But I need an income stream to do it.
And through those forums, I know people. . .  I know people that travel and live part-time in foreign countries. I know people that have the money to travel, that can take vacations, that have homes, and jobs and retirement savings, and horses, and . . .  stuff I don’t have.
And I know this one fabulous guy who deserves everything he has. He has a job that makes damn good money, that he’s really good at (if a bit overwhelmed at the moment), and he just bought a house. Not just a house, a HOUSE. One of those dream neighborhoods, in fact a neighborhood where the median income is $126,000/year – and he fits right in income-wise. This home is huge, gorgeous, lots of trees, a pool, more rooms than they need. . . He deserves it. He’s a genuinely nice guy, he totally loves his wife, he’s very involved with his kid, he works hard, has a great education. And he’ll be the first one to tell you luck had a lot to do with all of it.
But when he was house-hunting, he’d send me pics of these . . . . manors. . . and I’d look around my one-bedroom apartment (that I share with a teenager) and I’d be soooo jealous. I’m happy for him, I really am. And he is the first one to say that it amazes him that he’s arrived where he’s at. I also know that it wasn’t easy for him to get there, and the last two years before now have been pretty rough. But yeah, the green-eyed monster is definitely there.
And business-wise. . .  I’m just starting here. I know that. I’m just starting to sell readings, and I’m writing a couple of things to sell, and I’m trying to flesh out some talks I might be able to give in the future. I’m in the beginning stages.

But I’ve spent the last 6 months completely immersed in reading and listening to amazing people, mostly women, who are already doing some things I would love to do. I look at some of their stuff and say, “I could totally do that!” And I think, “Why haven’t I done this earlier?”

All of these years I’ve been un- and under-employed.  . .. I could have been doing this all along. I could have used some of these techniques for my tutoring business. . . I could have started doing readings years ago. I could have taken courses when I had the money to do it. . . .

The truth is, I wasn’t ready for this until now and I know it. But I keep thinking I could/should be so much further along.

And of course I’m jealous about being able to afford to have someone design a real website and everything. I own my domain name, but I don’t have my own host. I want to use WordPress.org because of all the fancy plug-ins, but I can’t because that costs money I don’t have.

I would so love to get deeper into some of the business courses I’m aware of, particularly Leela Somaya’s new Quantum Leap Your Business course, but I have no hope of being able to afford it.

And teaching. . .  One of the women that I did student teaching with, another math teacher, got a job at my daughter’s high school. If I hadn’t fucked up, I could have had that job, since I knew most of the staff already.

Stop whining, already!

There’s always going to be someone in a better position than I am. Even if I win the lottery tomorrow, someone else will have more than I do.
Someone will always be smarter, stronger, prettier, more consistent, better at something, etc.
That doesn’t mean I’m not good at what I’m doing. It doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t be successful – it just means I haven’t gotten there yet. 
And everything isn’t bad.
I won third place in a video contest and got access to Leela’s Diamond package. I have been able to make a few small investments in the business, and I’m slowly moving towards making it what I want it to be.
I finished one of the TPAs. I didn’t pass it, but I’ve had a conference with the dean of my education department to figure out how to fix it.
I’m on the Board of a fledgling non-profit that deals with addictions.
I was able to get my pet declared an Emotional Support Animal, and now I know that no matter where I move, even if there’s a “no pet” policy, I can have my fat cat with no deposit or pet rent because of that (and I handled that situation timely and well, which is good). 
I’m taking part in a couple of mastermind groups, which are helping me with ideas for the business.
My gorgeous, smart, talented daughter graduated high school last week, and I made a small step towards repairing a relationship with a family member last week.
Some things are moving in the right direction for me, and I need to concentrate on those things instead of comparing myself to others. 
When I started to write this post, a couple of months ago, I posted in one of the Wild Sisterhood forums asking how others deal with jealousy. Only one person responded and she is Buddhist and said that she doesn’t deal with jealousy often. 
I know everyone deals with jealousy from time to time. It just seems like we don’t like to talk about it often. 
Have you had to deal with jealousy recently? How have you dealt with it? 

Is it really your intuition guiding you? Maybe it’s fear

What if that voice that’s whispering to you isn’t your inner wisdom but your inner fear, a Dragon, a Monster?

This happened to me last week.

See, despite all the problems and failures I’ve had, people think of me as “strong”. And I have to admit that I like that people think that about me.

I think of me as “strong”, even though I know my weaknesses.

This is hard because I want to talk about something without giving too many details, but I’m going to try.

Something was happening last week that felt like an old pattern, something I did not want to deal with.

I started to feel/hear “Walk away, walk away, WALK AWAY!!”

I was already starting to mourn the ending, even though I hadn’t walked away yet. Gathering the strength to do so was in itself a grieving process.

I was certain that my “inner wisdom” or intuition or whatever was telling me this was doomed to be a failure. I mean absolutely, positively certain. I was journaling about it, I was working myself up into an emotional cyclone over it. I was unable to concentrate long enough to do paid-for readings (which is unprofessional as hell).

And then something popped up in my inbox that made me shift gears.

First of all, I’m in complete inbox overwhelm lately. During the telesummit a few months ago, I had signed up for dozens of email lists and haven’t had the energy to trim them down yet. Most days I don’t read any of the emails I get, or I just glance through. Some days one or two jump out at me and say, “Read/watch/listen”, whichever is appropriate.

And one day, Christine Arylo’s Love Letter jumped out at me. I don’t know why. I hadn’t looked at her stuff in months (if you don’t know Christine, she’s built her business and reputation around self-love. She’s a bit quirky and funny. Check her out at Madly In Love With Me!)

Something in there reminded me of one of The Four Agreements – Don’t Assume. [As an aside, remind me to tell you guys about working with Don Miguel Ruiz before he became famous.]

Assuming goes two ways. Assuming you know what someone else is thinking or feeling and assuming that they know what you are thinking and feeling.

And that’s what I had been doing. I had been taking something personally that really didn’t have anything to do with me.

I was also expecting someone else to know – at a distance! – how I was feeling and pursue me to force me to tell him/her how I was feeling.

And that is not fair in so many ways.

The Voice, the one now SCREAMING, “Walk Away, WALK AWAY, WALK AWAY!” was doing all that assuming.

So, I watched Christine’s video again and sat down to compose an email.

I didn’t even know what to say or how to express what I was feeling.

But I did the best I could with it.

It was cathartic; I even cried while writing it.

I felt immensely better for writing and sending it.

I didn’t get an immediate response. I didn’t expect an immediate response.

But the longer I waited for a response, the more the Voice started up again. “See, told ya so!” it was now saying.

I was feeling panicked.

What if. . . .

What if I opened up to the wrong person at the wrong time?

What if I made myself vulnerable and received nothing in return?

Why wasn’t I listening to my intuition?

Could I handle being hurt again?

But, in my best times, I have been able to say, “Feel the fear, and do it anyway.” Push through the fear, do what you’re scared of. Yes, there’s potential for it to go wrong, to be hurt, to fail, but how do you know if you don’t try?

And then . . .  I got a response.

It was appropriate, kind, thoughtful, and genuine.

The fear bubble burst.

The Voice was gone.

That Voice was the voice of fear, NOT my intuition.

But how do you tell the difference? The Voice of fear was so strong – so much stronger than the gentle pull in the opposite direction.

Christine’s video resonated so strongly with me at exactly the right moment – that was intuition guiding me to what I needed to hear.

That voice, that guide is so quiet and gentle most of the time, it’s hard to recognize it at times.

Photo from Unprofound.com

Before you act on something, especially if it’s a negative something, or makes you panicked, stop for a moment. Breathe. Ask, “Does this act serve my highest good? Will this help me feel more fulfilled/loved/helpful/relieved or will this just hurt?”

Sometimes you need to cut people out of your life, toxic people, people who only hurt you even if it’s under the guise of helping you. Be clear about why you are doing that if you do. Make sure that it’s not based on a million what-ifs (assumptions) that haven’t even happened yet.

Be kind to yourself – ask for what you need. After all, you can’t get anywhere if you don’t move out of your comfort zone.

As I was in the middle of writing this, my new friend and Wild Sister Marylin over at Soft Thistle posted about asking for help and being vulnerable. 🙂 Same wavelength, lady!

Mental Health: How society treats Mental Illness

I started writing this on April 19, around the time of the Boston Marathon bombing.

I don’t want to think about a lot of the stuff that’s gone on this week, on the large scale (Boston, Texas, Waterton, etc) and on a personal one (Monterrey and tires – I’ll relate it soon).

And then I read this:

And that really didn’t make anything better.

For some reason, it reminded me of one of the (actually very few) negative reactions I’ve had when I disclosed my Bipolar.

I was in school, pretty early on, maybe my second semester at the university, so 2005? 2006? I was in a history class. The teacher was very strict on counting attendance as part of the grade. I was struggling with a bout of depression. One of my classmates, a young woman, was struggling with debilitating migraines.

We were commiserating about this and I talked about being bipolar. I also talked about about my daughter who was in third or fourth grade at the time.

The young woman said, “They haven’t taken her away?” or maybe it was, “Why haven’t they taken her away?”

I was shocked, stunned.

I’m ill, so “they” should take her away from me? More importantly, “they” should take me away from her?

My response to the young woman was, “Why should they take her away? She’s clean, fed, bright, does well in school, has clothes, etc.”

I wasn’t taking care of myself very well at that point, but SHE was taken care of. That’s where the majority of my energy went.

I don’t know if that reaction is better or worse than some of the other reactions I’ve had. The best is when someone starts to relate about about someone in their lives that has the illness or another big psych issue.

But others are like, “Aren’t we all a little bipolar?” I loved the nurse that tried to tell me to get off my meds and everything would be fine, that was good. There’s a great list of “things to not say” here.

Not sure I have a real point today, except I’m fairly frustrated at the way we as a society treat mental illness.

This came up for me again recently.

The new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders, version V, came out this month.

The director of the National Institute of Mental Health, Thomas Insel,  “rejected” the new version as not scientific enough.

 Indeed, symptom-based diagnosis, once common in other areas of medicine, has been largely replaced in the past half century as we have understood that symptoms alone rarely indicate the best choice of treatment. Patients with mental disorders deserve better.

 I agree that we need better ways of determining mental illness.

Wouldn’t it be great to point to a blood test or a brain scan to say, “THIS is what’s wrong”?

But those tests don’t exist yet. There is research going on, but it’s not yet at a level where we can do that.

NIMH does not deal directly with patients, they fund research, so this won’t affect patients directly.

NIMH is apparently going to use their own criteria called Research Domain Criteria. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) on the other hand has a more rational approach, along the lines of my feeling – It’s not perfect, but it’s what we have right now.

While we are better than mental hospitals of 50 years ago, we still have a long way to go treating mental illness, and those who suffer with it so that it’s on parity with “physical” illnesses.

Stuck-ness

I’ve started a million blog posts (well, half a dozen, anyway).

But I get them to about a hundred, two hundred words and I think, “This sounds so totally stupid, and what am I trying to accomplish with it?”

And I don’t know.

I wanted to write more posts for Mental Health Awareness Month. And I started a couple. Didn’t finish.

I did finally finish and submit TPA 3. Waiting to see if I passed. I should feel good about that but I don’t because I have one more to go and the amount of work to do on it is daunting. Makes me want to go take a nap.

I’m feeling a bit lost for a direction on this business.

The readings was a way to get started, start bringing in a little income while I worked on a couple of offerings. But every time I start to do something it feels stupid or like something someone else has already done/said.

I know that I do work in fits and starts, but lately the fits are less and less prominent.

This week, at least two days, I took “naps” in excess of 2 hours. Today, it was 4 hours. I mean, really, why does an unemployed person need a 4 hour nap?

I have a “to do” list a mile long.  And here I sit, going through my little ritual of checking certain websites over and over and over again.

Yesterday, I had a bad day, similar to today, and I did some free readings trying to turn my energy around. It worked, yesterday, but I can’t do unlimited free readings every day, and I didn’t carry the good energy over to today.

I feel like I’m drowning, even though I have some good things happening.

Turning in TPA 3 .. . . I’ve been putting that off for almost a year and a half. I should feel something about it. Relief? Accomplishment? Something. I don’t feel anything, except fear over the next hurdle.

I’ve been super nervous about not having enough money for the second installment of the pet deposit, but I talked to my doctor, and I’m entitled to an emotional support animal for my disability. Once I get the letter from my doctor, I should be able to submit that, and maybe even get the installment I’ve paid back and stop the pet rent.

That’s a good thing. And I’m not happy, I’m just nervous about not getting the letter in time.

This seems like I’m whining, and I’m not meaning to, I do have some stuff going on and I’m doing ok, I’m making progress, I’m just feeling like I’m starting to sink again.

I have pulled out the Ganesh chant and a mini altar to help push through this time.

Video Post – Learning to read Oracle Decks

In addition to Tarot, I also read Oracle decks. In this post, I briefly describe the difference between Oracle decks and Tarot and give a brief introduction to how I learn to read a new deck.


In the video, I reference the Wisdom of the Hidden Realms  deck by Colette Baron-Reid. You can find out more about Colette here.

 

I also mention the Wisdom of the House of Night deck: C started reading the series of books by P.C. and Kristen Cast a few years ago and has been reading them as they’ve been published. This deck is aimed at fans of the series.

This is the card I’m talking about from the new Enchanted Map Oracle Cards.  Baron-Reid’s book The Map: Finding the Magic and Meaning in the Story of Your Life is at that link. 

Click here to see what people say about my readings, and click here to book your reading!

Mental Health Month: Bipolar – the Manic Side

Depression and the depressed side of bipolar get a lot of attention, in the media and in society. Many people know someone that has battled depression at some point in their lives.

Most people don’t know anything about the manic side. They are told that it is the “up” side of bipolar, the creative side. And it is.

But it is also can be just as destructive as the depressed side.

Symptoms of mania include three or more of the following (when not caused by drugs):

  • inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
  • decreased need for sleep (such as feeling rested after only 3-4 hours of sleep)
  • more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
  • flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
  • distractibility (attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
  • increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation.
  • excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (such as unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)
Full mania can also lead to psychosis and hallucinations. Hypomania (“little” mania) of the bipolar II has all the same symptoms, but lack psychosis and supposedly aren’t severe enough to interfere with daily life.
A couple of years ago, on another internet forum, someone postulated that he would simply love to have bipolar instead of unipolar depression, because at least then there is an upside.
We had quite the argument where I was trying to explain that “upside” really wasn’t. I don’t know if I was successful. 
It seems as though an increase in “goal-directed activity” should be a good thing, and it can be, to a point. The creative people with bipolar tend to create in this state. But, there’s a passage in An Unquiet Mind where Kay Redfield Jamison describes mania:

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you’re high it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one’s marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends’ faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against– you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.” 

photo from Unprofound.com
This is what my thoughts feel like at times –
going by so fast I can’t capture one –
blurs out everything

When I look back at certain periods of my life, I can clearly see now that I was manic then.

In particular, my promiscuity screams loud and clear about being hypomanic. I know I lost a couple of good guys because of it, but for the most part, I didn’t see my one night stands as people. I assumed that men were always out for sex and I took advantage of that. Having to explain to a perfectly nice guy that you really were only using him for sex is not the most fun thing in the world. So I started sleeping with guys I didn’t like. Now, how fucked up is THAT? I haven’t dated at all since my diagnoses in Dec. 1999, so I’m certainly over that. 😛

But some other symptoms. . .

In 1991, I received about $4000 worth of back pay. It was the most money I’ve ever had at one time, and I almost couldn’t wrap my brain around having that much. In the next few weeks, I managed to spend $7000. I know SOME of what I spent it on: a stereo, a small tv, VCR, some CDs, some clothes, rented a car, luggage. Other than that? Not a clue. And now I was in debt, having written bad checks to the Exchange and to the US Government. It lead to me losing a prime assignment in the military.

While I’ve never spent to that extent again, I do sometimes still. . .  lose track of how much I’ve spent. I have bought some “fun” things (books, yarn, etc) before paying bills. When I’m thinking clearly, I don’t do that; I can budget damn well. But at times, my judgment is off.

Talking. Gods, the talking.

Recently, C told me that one of the parents at TKD commented that I tell everybody everything (i.e. too much) about my life.

The thing is, I know I do it. I know people don’t want to hear this shit. But I can’t STOP. If I’m feeling social, I talk and talk and talk and talk. I take over conversations. I get the “teacher voice” and sound like an authority on everything. Hell, I think I AM an authority on everything.

And I can hear myself doing it.

And I can’t stop.

I talk so fast people don’t understand what I’m saying. I have been somewhat successful in consciously slowing down my speech at times, but if I don’t concentrate very hard, I lose that. And LOUD. My voice will carry across a room.

That may seem like a small thing, talking too much. But it can be socially devastating. Who wants to be around the loudmouth that takes over all the conversations and/or makes them all about her? Who wants to be around the parent who does that?

I’m not like that all the time, but when I’m not, social interactions are . . .  difficult. For one thing, I’m embarrassed about how I act when hypo-manic. I’ve become more and more withdrawn over the years.

There was a day last week where I was awake for approximately 41 hours. I dozed for about 10-15 minutes at a time at various times, but never really reached sleep. And it took medication to get me to sleep even after that. By the time I took the meds, I could not concentrate on anything for more than 2-3 minutes. I felt. .  . floaty, disconnected from my body, light-headed. Luckily, I have medication to do this (with my doctor’s knowledge and blessing). If I was still unaware that this is a danger sign or didn’t have the medication, it could have lead to some bad stuff.

Oh, my home would probably be a little cleaner, and maybe I would have a few more things written, but one thing about mania that I think doesn’t get enough press is irritability.

I have a very short fuse when manic. C is good about pointing out to me, “Why are you shouting at me?” when I don’t even realize I’m shouting. I can be very grumpy while at the same time feeling free enough to do whatever the hell I please.

It’s a love/hate relationship with the mania. I *do* get more accomplished. I do start things when in this phase. I get a lot of great ideas. This is also the time when I say, “Fuck it!” and take chances, do new things, go places I’ve never been and so on.

It can be fun. But it can also be just as destructive as the depressive side.