Author: ishtar39

Disappointment

Last Friday was supposed to be the relaunch of Invincible Summer..

I was holding off posting for days, waiting to post a pointer to my first post there.
Unfortunately, Life happened to the owner of the blog and the relaunch was pushed back, first a few days, then maybe next month, and now. . . I don’t know. She says:

I suppose I just wanted to write a note telling you that I’m still here, but I’m not sure where I’m going. And this blog is still here, but I don’t know where it’s going.

I completely understand where she’s at. I completely understand that she bit off more than she can handle right now.

I’m certainly guilty of the same thing, fairly often.

But I can’t hide my disappointment.

I was looking forward to working on more creative stuff. I do better when I have a deadline than when I’m working for myself.

Her following is larger than mine, and so is her mailing list. I was looking forward to greater exposure.

Now, I have a lot going on, too.

And I could be doing other stuff to promote my blog (I want to submit a guest post to Wild Sister, for example).

I’m about half-done writing up a workbook I want to put up here.

I haven’t even asked people here to look at the Inspired To Do Lists that I made or put a link in my sidebar.

On my To Do list for two weeks has been to create a page of the places I’ve signed up for affiliates and clean up my sidebar. That won’t really take me that long, but I’ve avoided it.

I haven’t listened to several of the more recent talks from the SSSBR. I also need to create a video and write up a piece about what I’ve gotten out of it, and I’ve been putting that off.

I’m putting it out here for accountability. Kick me in the ass. 🙂

Clearing and releasing

A couple of weeks ago I talked about reorganizing my living room.

It only took a couple of days, and it opened up the space so much. I’m really pleased with it. It feels much more comfortable in here. It’s been years since I’ve felt this comfortable in my own home.

Now, I just have to get C to pick up after herself. She’s almost never here, but still manages to leave a mess. But that’s kids, right?

I got rid of a ton of stuff and took a few things to storage. I shredded a stack of papers. I packed away the heaviest winter clothes.

It feels like I’ve cleared out my brain, especially how open the living room is now.

And it’s still going. I cleared a few things out of storage, too. And I’ve moved some stuff we’ve never used since living here either to storage or completely out of the home.

It just feels so much more relaxed. I’m almost kicking myself for not tackling it sooner. The thing is, though, I knew all along that I would feel this way about it. I talked about it last summer, even.

But for some reason, I was unable to actually make a move on it until now.

There’s still some clutter, but it’s not nearly as bad as it was.

Several years ago, lots of people I know were really excited about Flylady. I wanted to follow it; I wanted to like it. Lots of things about the site and her process (small chunks daily) are fabulous and do-able.

But I couldn’t get past polishing the sink and getting dressed all the way to shoes.

I don’t like shoes. I don’t wear them as often as I can get away with it. When I have to wear shoes, I prefer to wear ones that kick off easily. When I had an office job, as soon as I got settled at my desk, the shoes came off.*

Now, I understand her reasoning.

It’s a cue to your brain that you’re fully dressed and engaged in Real Life for the day.

But I hate shoes, and there’s no way I’m wearing them in my own home.

I’ve realized in the last few months, though, that I do have a mental cue about being dressed and fully mentally engaged for the day. And anyone that knew me in my 20s and early 30s is really going to laugh at this**. . . . a bra. . . . if I’m wearing a bra, I’m ready to Get Shit Done. If I’m not, nothing important is getting accomplished.

But now, I’ve discovered Unfuck Your Habit. Maybe it’s the profanity that speaks to me. Or maybe it’s the starting with making your bed.

For at least a decade now, whenever I’ve tried to work on issues of self-discipline, this is where I started – making the bed.

When I’m really depressed, I’m napping all day and tossing and turning all night, so I never really make the bed. When I start trying to turn things around, making the bed as soon as I get up is the first thing I do. After a week or two of that, I start to add in other things.

Really, Unfuck Your Habit isn’t that much different than FlyLady. But for some reason, I like it more.***

What does this have to do with releasing?

I’m releasing fears.

I’m releasing attachments to the past.

I’m releasing the idea of being STUCK.

I’m releasing expectations (and that one is fucking HARD).

Changing things in your environment around in a major way can help change your perspective.

Have you made any major changes lately?

*When I was a student at the local university, one of my math teachers was famous for walking around without shoes, ALL THE TIME. Made me smile.

**I notoriously went without a bra (and sometimes without a top) as often as possible. So, this makes me giggle.

***Zen Habits has some suggestions on where to get started in clearing clutter here.

Spring – new growth.

First of all, I know there’s still snow in a lot of North America, but where I live, spring has well and truly sprung. Trees are blooming (which is why I’m awake at 3:30 a.m. – allergies!).

I don’t know what kind of tree the ones with the white flowers are, but the pink are from cherry trees, and the purplish flowers with spiky stems are from a rosemary bush.

Ever since we moved here (in 2001! I can’t believe I’ve lived in one place so long!), every spring I’ve said, “I need to get some pics of the cherry trees, because they’re so pretty!”

And I never actually get outside to take the pics before the blooms are gone. But this year, I actually did it! Woo hoo!

I have several partially written posts, but nothing complete enough to post.

I have been doing a lot of things behind the scenes, journaling, getting ready to start with Invincible Summer., and processing stuff I’ve learned through the Succulent, Savvy, Soulful Business Revolution.

Last week, I took a break from all things blog and business while sketching out something I’m working on.
In the meantime, I have been working on some internal stuff. 
I have listened to Jeneth Blackert’s talk on SSBR three times now.

There was so much in her almost 2-hour talk that resonates strongly with me.

In particular, she calls herself a “Change Agent” and says she won’t give people “answers”, she helps them ask questions. And just asking the questions helps people change their energy.

Some of the questions she asks are things like, 

“What is it that you know that you’re refusing to know and that if you stopped refusing it now would change everything?”

Think about that one for a minute. You don’t have to have an answer to the question. Just think about the question, and see how asking it makes you feel. A little uncomfortable? A bit excited?

 What dream have you given up long ago where if you chose it now would make your life a total joy?

Today on Facebook, she asked,

What is the most phenomenal thing that could happen now? 

And again, you don’t HAVE to answer the questions. Just ask them and see how you feel when asking them. That last one – for me, fear is the first thing that comes up. Why is that a scary thing? To think about something great that could happen? To picture something good happening? Why is that so terrifying? Because I’m not used to it? Because I don’t know how to handle it when good things happen? Why do I limit myself so much?

On Friday last week, Erika Watson talked about partnerships. Listening to her talk reinforced the idea that joining the Wild Sisterhood was a good idea, and so was creating the small mastermind group I’ve been working with. (Check out Esscentual Alchemy – the owner is one of my mastermind peeps!)

But I am still on information overload. There are several talks I haven’t even listened to yet. I’ve barely had time to process the ones I’ve listened to a couple of times and taken notes on. There’s several others I’ve listened to but not taken notes on, and mean to go back and listen to again. I’ve only just scratched the surface of the workbooks and bonus material. It’s so overwhelming.

But I also feel things shifting. Things inside me, things in my life.

It’s strange, because unless something drastic happens soon, next month is going to bring a lot of financial pressure and problems.

And yet, I’m not nearly as nervous about it as I think I should be.

The bills are paid for this month, and for now, that’s all I can do.

Please don’t forget to sign up for the newsletter. I’m trying to not bombard people all the time with stuff. Right now, it’s only going out once or twice a month.

And you can also like us on Facebook. 🙂

If you think someone you know might like some of the things I talk about here, please point them in this direction! Thank you!

Making a Switch?

For years I’ve been reading about how much more customizable WordPress is vs. Blogger. 

When I looked into it awhile back, I felt like WordPress was too complicated for what I was doing and not necessary.

Right now, I’m playing with the idea of moving it. This is private now, while I play and get to know it. 

I hope that within a few weeks (months?) I’ll move my Blogger over and find a new webhost for my webpage LifeUncalculated.com.

Self-love: Cleaning & Organizing

Kind of a weird title, I know, but I just read Dominee’s post about beginning to love herself and one of the things she talks about is how messy her home was before.

My apartment looked like something out of Hoarders.
Maybe not as bad but it was pretty close. Dirty dishes in the sink that had been there for months and months. Used paper plates thrown haphazardly on the floor. Stains on the carpet and furniture because when something spilled I didn’t care enough to clean it up. Clothes everywhere, piles of empty pizza boxes, and bags of trash that I didn’t care enough to take out to the dumpster. Anyone looking at that scene would just think how lazy and sloppy I was.

I can completely relate.

At some times, my home was that bad.

It’s not now, but it’s not an organized, serene haven, either.

There’s too much stuff in not enough space, and things shoved into open boxes and shelves with little organization.

It’s not for lack of trying.

C and I are both good at organizing small bits at a time.

But we are also both bad at maintaining the organization.

Last week, we went through one day where we pulled stuff out of the bathroom cabinets and linen closet to organize the bathroom.

We finally purged a lot of stuff we’ve been meaning to go through for ages. We ended up getting rid of more than 2 large garbage bags of stuff, plus have a pile to go to storage.

After that, for the last three days, I’ve been starting at my living room, hating the arrangement.

I’ve always hated the arrangement here.

But there’s so much stuff on the shelves that it’s really a pain to move anything.

Tonight, the frustration peaked and I’ve started moving stuff.

I think it’s going to take a few days to go through the whole thing.

I mentioned before that I have been able to keep a clean, organized home at times in the past:

When I look back on my past, the times my home has been cleanest and I’ve done better at routine things are the times I’ve lived completely alone, or for a brief period when C was tiny after I kicked Deadbeat Roommate out.

Considering that C is rarely home now and will be off to college soon enough, I should be able to do this again, now. Right now, things are clean. There’s only today’s dishes in the sink, and C just emptied the dishwasher of clean stuff so I’ll be getting them done tonight. The garbage is taken out regularly. There’s no food laying around.

But it is messy/cluttered.

Part of my frustration is that when I live alone, all the mess is mine, and things remain where I leave them. And now, while C is rarely home, her messes still are.

She’s capable of cleaning and organizing. In fact, she does a fabulous job when she does it. But getting her to do it is difficult.

I WANT a more serene home.

But I also want my things close at hand all the time.

Those two things seem to be at odds with each other.

A larger place, once I can afford it, will help.

But there’s still a lot of stuff that needs to be gotten rid of completely.

And that is overwhelming.

My storage unit is 10x10x10 and filled to the rafters.

I know a lot of the stuff that’s in there, but I can never find it when I go looking.

So, for the next few days, I’ll be seriously looking at stuff and hopefully purging as I move things around, because dammit, I deserve a comfortable place to live in.

I thought about taking some “before” pictures, but I’m just not that brave.

Patterns: Withdrawing

Whenever I start something, I have a pattern of going full throttle for a short period of  time and then dropping it.

Last week I was so excited about a lot of things. I had a lot of plans for what I was going to do. I wrote outlines and lists with time tables and due dates. I was excited about the upcoming stuff for Invincible Summer. I started several things.

And then, I stopped.

I didn’t blog, I only wrote a small bit in my journal. I stopped doing affirmations for a few days. I didn’t visit the Wild Sisterhood. I didn’t read ZenHabits. I put off working on everything.

I also stopped talking, responding to emails, getting out of the house. I started napping during the day, instead of writing and planning.

I caught myself withdrawing from almost everything (except, curiously, talking with M. Hmmm).

It’s ok to take a break from things at times.

But my personal pattern includes stretching that break out for days, weeks, months. . .

Luckily, I have a small mastermind group, and one of the ladies nudged me with, “When are we meeting again?”

So, I set up a meeting. I had ideas, but had not fleshed anything out yet, still not entirely sure what direction I was going to go in.

By the end of the teleconference call, I not only had an idea, but several questions to put in the product. By the end of the day, I’d hand-written an introduction and sketched out an outline, listed questions I want to use.

I felt great again.

And the next day, I stopped again.

WTF?

This is like last year, when I only had a couple of small things to do to finish my teaching credential, and I kept putting it off, saying, “Oh, I can just do this tomorrow.”

And then I let it go too long and have to repeat something I should not have needed to repeat.

I’m starting to do this now with what I’m trying to do this here.

I have things working well for me.

I just have to keep showing up and not let this break I took last for months.

I suppose my path will never be a straight line.

And that’s ok.

So, today, I’m pulling out the notebooks, and the planner, and listen to today’s SSBR call at noon. And I’m writing. It’s not my best post ever, but I’m doing something, which is good.

Eff "Some Day"!

I’m going through some pretty significant internal changes lately. And over the next year, the website will start to reflect that.

Years ago, in the depths of my depression, my friend N and I would discuss that SOME DAY parts of my life might make a good story as a foundation for “motivational speaking” [you know, like Tony Robbins] before they started calling it “life coaching”.

I mean, when you look at a broad-strokes description of the last 15 years or so, you get a disabled-vet-single-mother with bipolar disorder, crippled with depression, homeless at one point, fighting through and getting a degree and (soon!) a teaching credential, starting a new career and getting on her feet, and raising a talented kid that is graduating in the top 10% of her class.

Wow.

I need to take a moment to own that. Breathe into it.

Because when you put it like that, it sounds pretty freaking awesome. And that doesn’t feel like me.

Ok, so it took more than 10 years for all that to happen.

But it still happened.

And I always thought that maybe SOME DAY I could talk to people about that, and tell them to keep going when it’s hard, because even though it seems like it takes forever, it does get better. Or maybe write about it instead. Or use a book as a platform to start speaking. Something like that.

I thought that SOME DAY I could do that.

SOME DAY, when I’m successful enough.

SOME DAY, when I’m wise enough.

SOME DAY, when I’m strong enough.

SOME DAY, when I have a zillion credentials after my name.

SOME DAY, when I have the respect of my spiritual teachers.

SOME DAY. . . .

Out there, in the future.  . . SOME DAY.

And right now, there’s so much crashing in my head, screaming at me,

“Fuck SOME DAY. Do it NOW.”

Part of it is that I’ve been reading and listening to things like Leela Somaya at the Succulent, Savvy, & Soul-Full Business Revolution, and I joined the Wild Sisterhood, and of course, Leonie Dawson’s stuff.

But there’s more too it, too.

After all, I’ve been on Leonie’s email list since 2010. I’ve read Naomi Dunford a longer than that.

I’ve wanted to do something for a long time, but I didn’t know what.

Through the SSSBR, I’ve been (virtually) introduced to a ton of women that are doing this kind of thing. Helping people. Guiding people. And making a great living doing it.

And most of them started off simply.

There’s fear here, a lot of fear.

What if no one wants to listen to me? What if I can’t come up with the million dollar idea right away? What if I look/sound stupid? Other people are already doing this. I’m not unique. I can’t.

But in the interviews I’ve listened to or watched, every.last.one, they’ve felt these same fears. They still feel these same fears, even when they’re successful.

And none of them knew exactly what their key, signature message was going to be when they started.

Jeneth Blackert started by writing a small book about Seven Dragons. This tiny book talks about all those fears and gives them names, similar to Havi Brooks “Monsters”. I read it.

There’s nothing in that book I didn’t know already. I mean, maybe a slight new take on a technique or the names she gave the dragons, but the core info? I know already.

That’s coming up over and over for me. I’m looking at the ebooks and worksheets people are selling, and thinking, “I could totally do that!”

I remember all the times N and I went to the bookstore. She’ll go over to the Pagan/Magick/Witch shelf and pick up a few books, and say, “None of these are THE book I’m looking for.”

I started telling her, “You’re not going to find it until you write it.”

The closing lines of the Charge of the Goddess ring in my head:

know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not, unless you know the mystery: if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, then you shall never find it without.

That’s where I’m at.

I can’t keep looking to others to tell me what to do. I can’t keep asking “experts” what I should do.

I have to look within.

I’m jumping into something new, and building my wings on the way down.

I’m going to start asking you to share with your friends if I say something you think they can relate to or to sign up for the newsletter.

I promise that I’m still going to write the way I write, about what I’m going through, good and bad. Every post won’t turn into a sales pitch for something.

But other things will be changing.

I’ve started already.

I’m writing something. It’s not completely fleshed out yet, but I’m working on something (and mentioning it to get some accountability)

And next month, I start writing 3-4 posts per month for Invincible Summer to start reaching out to more people.

I’m terrified.

But I’m going to start anyway.

Self-Love: Valentine’s Day

I have to admit, I kind of hate V-Day.

Most years I simply ignore that it exists, especially since C is past the age of handing out random cards to everyone in her class.

Most of my life, I’ve been alone in February. I had a boyfriend in HS for 2 years. I was with someone in 99 and got flowers delivered, which was nice.

I was with my ex-husband in 94, but I was half way across the world and my gifts/card came late – I don’t think he even mailed them until after the day. Things were pretty strained between us at the time. And he left me 4 months later, so, you know, not a great memory.

I’ve spent a good deal of time this month reading and journaling about loving yourself. (And this month’s Wild Sister Magazine is all about self-love. If you haven’t seen it, go check it out.)

And for some reason, I’ve still been starting to get a little down. It could be that my mood state is shifting downward, because I don’t see much externally that should be causing it, other than the usual money stress (but that’s been constant for so long now, it’s normal).

I’m accomplishing more.

I’m establishing routines that are helping me.

I’m actually making lists of things that need to be done and taking steps to accomplish goals. And most days making progress on those lists (which is a HUGE thing for me).

I’m having great conversations every night with someone I care about.

I have fantastic friends.

My daughter is wonderfully amazing.

Dominee at Blessing Manifesting has a little (free) ebook called Be Your Own Valentine.

One of the things I found most powerful in it was an exercise that was surprisingly difficult to do. (She got this from Louise L. Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life).

Go, look yourself in the eye in a mirror, and say, “I love and accept you just the way you are.”

A lot of anxiety and some unidentifiable but powerful emotions came up for me when I did this. It was a little overwhelming.

Have you ever done that?

I mean, I’ve said those words or similar, and I’ve said them to other people, but not trying to hold my own gaze.

If you haven’t done it, try it. And yes, it feels a bit silly at first, but try to take it seriously.

And please share what happens for you.

Self-love: Who are you?

Silly question right?

I’m me, of course. But who am I really?

How can you love yourself, if you don’t know who you are?

When I look back at the years of depression, I discover that I’m not who I thought I was, or at least, I didn’t act like I was that person.

I thought I was a person who was open, loving, kind, contemplative, hippy-granola, vibrant, generous, a little bit wild. I thought I cared about people and animals and the environment. I thought I was politically active.

I thought I was going to raise my kid with a spiritual, social and ecological consciousness.

I thought I was someone with strong faith in things you cannot see, in the goodness of people.

But when push came to shove, when life got hard, I turned into someone I didn’t recognize.

I lost my faith, in anything spiritual and most of all in myself.

I lost my spark, my hope.

I began to hate people. I was full of anger. (And of course, there’s that whole “depression is anger turned inward” thing.)

I intellectually knew things I *should* be doing to make things better, but I was incapable of doing them, which fed the cycle more, leading to beating myself up.

I allowed my kid to grow up thinking McDonald’s was the best meal ever, instead of giving her mostly healthy homemade meals. In the beginning, it was because I was working and tired. Later, it was because I was depressed and would “forget” to cook something (really, I just couldn’t get out of my chair). I allowed her to grow up thinking sitting at a dining table was only for special occasions. I allowed her to grow up with a TV always on in the house. That is so not who I thought I was.

I was “into” yoga when yoga wasn’t cool. But for the last 15 years, I’ve barely had any yoga practice at all, much less a daily practice that I once had. Ditto for my spiritual practices.

So, now, here I am.

I’m not currently depressed, but I’m also not the person I used to think I was. And I don’t know if I can ever be that person.

So, who are you?

Are you who you think you are?

Look at the things you believe about yourself.

And then look at your actions.

Do your actions reflect your stated values?

If not, then you need to look at both those things, and you have two choices.

1. Start working on making your actions match your values.
2. Adjust your image of who you are.

I’m working on both.

For example, for the first time in my life, I’m making lists of things that need to get done, and I’m making a concerted effort to get them done.

There’s a couplefew of reasons for me doing this.

  1. It’s part of my journey to be more disciplined.
  2. In the past, I often sit in my home, thinking about the housework or paperwork or other stuff that needs to be done and get overwhelmed. Then nothing ever gets done, because I’ve spent all my energy THINKING about it, instead of doing it. Making lists is helping me capture the stuff that needs to be and frees up my head for other things. So far, I’m not always getting it all done, but I am getting more done than I have in a long time.
  3. This is also the first time I’ve made clearly defined goals, and if I just continue to sit on my ass not take any action, then I won’t make those goals.
In the past, this would have made me feel . . . restricted, confined. But right now, I’m seeing it as key to the changes I want to make.
So, do your actions match your values? Are you who you think you are? Can you become who you want to be?
You have to know who you are, before you can move forward, before you can love yourself. You have to accept yourself, warts and all.

Mental Health: Bipolar Disorder

I realized that I occasionally throw out a comment about being bipolar or dealing with depression, but I haven’t really talked about how it has affected me or the diagnosis. I’ve lived with it so long and been fairly open about it, that I feel like everyone knows everything. There are now more people reading and I think I should explain some of where I’ve been.

I’m now 43, and I was diagnosed Bipolar II within a month or so of turning 30, even though I knew something was wrong by the time I was 21 or so.

from Unprofound.com

Bipolar II is characterized with long, deep depressions and brief times of hypomania (little mania). In 2004 Jane Pauley was diagnosed with this form of the disease.

It’s much harder to diagnose Bipolar II than Bipolar I, although both can be difficult. In general, people with all forms of bipolar tend to seek help when depressed, but don’t recognize the hypomanic or manic phases as a problem. Why should we? We feel GREAT during that time. 😛

In fact, I used to think of my hypomanic phases as my “normal” times. It isn’t until I look back at them that I can now see how destructive they could be.

I started to write this up, and it was becoming a long autobiography, which is not what I want. I do want to express some of the ways in which it has affected my life. Sometimes, I’ll say something about being mentally ill or “crazy” or something and people will say things like, “Don’t say that! You’re not crazy!”

It seems that because I’m intelligent and articulate, I’m not allowed to also be mentally ill.

But for me, saying those things are a kind of. . .  acceptance. It took me a long time to get there. It took several years to get somewhat stabilized on medications and accept that I needed them. So, I see saying things as an acknowledgment of where I am.

One of the primary areas it has affected is relationships. I would get into moods where I would need to be surrounded by people, feeding off of the energy of those around me, off of a party and music and everything. Considering how introverted I really am, this was new and different, strange even. But I was young, and at first just thought it was fantastic that I finally had an active social life.

The problem was that when I was in that mood, I would get into bed with almost anyone who paid attention to me. This led me to insist on a type of sexual openness in my relationships, because I did not want to lie or hide things about sex from my primary partner.

When I think about this now, the funny thing is that I also simultaneously believed in the mythical soulmate (although some people apparently think you can order up a soulmate like a cup of coffee).

I’m still not sure how I reconciled those things in my own head. I think it was that the “soulmate” was a complete relationship, body, mind and soul, whereas the others were just body, fun, not important.

The problem is, it’s hard to let the primary partner know that he is not being used in the same way the others are. [For those who live a polyamorous lifestyle, I admire you, because I know how difficult it can be. More power to you if you can make it work.]

I know now that it was hypersexuality caused by hypomanic swings.

But the disorder affects friendships, too.

When I’m depressed, I withdraw into myself and push people away. The thing is, I want them to be available when I’m ready to climb out of my inner space. But spending months or sometimes years pushing people away is not conducive to having people around when you want them to be. It also makes it difficult to be there when they need you. And then, in the hypomanic phase, there’s no . . . filter. It’s hard to think before I speak, so I may end up saying one of those things that people think but don’t usually say. That doesn’t help keep friends, either.

And then there’s money.

When I’m hypomanic, I can spend some money.

There was a point, in the early 90s when I got a chunk of back pay, around $4,000. At the time, it was the most money I had ever had at one tie. I went on a shopping spree.

I kept buying stuff and spending. To this day, I’ not entirely sure what I spent it all on. And I kept spending. I kept writing checks and did not balance the checkbook. Within a few weeks, I’d spent over $7,000. And now I had bounced checks, and fees and all kinds of craziness to deal with.

So, I get into this destructive pattern with money.

When manic, I impulse buy and don’t pay close attention to how much I spend, and sometimes end up with not enough to pay the bills. When depressed, I sometimes forget to pay things on time (I have a real problem with all sorts of paperwork and phone calls when depressed.) This causes increased fees and decreased credit scores.

The thing is, I know how to budget, save, and invest. I’ve researched the hell out of it. I’ve been an active contributor to a financial website/community for almost 14 years now.

But I still sometimes fall into these patterns.

These are probably the two biggest areas of my life that are affected, but there are others, too. This is getting pretty long, so I’m going to stop here for now. I may talk about other things at another time.