Category: Business

Evolving

I had a love/hate relationship with being a technician back when I was one.

I loved working with mostly geeky guys and not being afraid of tech talk. The work was ok, I was. . . competent.

But very quickly after getting what should have been a dream job, I realized I was not happy or fulfilled. In fact, despite making more money than I ever had and living in a great apartment that I loved and being medicated, I was getting depressed. Again.

I think one reason why I was laid off that time was because of my depression. I started leaving work early or staying home because I had a headache or felt “sick”. I spent a lot of time online on a forum I was a frequent contributor to. I did my job, but half-heartedly, and I I wasn’t really comfortable with it. After 15 years, I never really became all that comfortable with it. It never felt right.

I was in touch with myself enough to realize that this meant I wasn’t supposed to be an engineer and to change my major – to math.

Math is also not a very. . . soulful, fulfilling path. It can be rather esoteric and philosophical, though.

But I really struggled with a couple of courses (abstract/modern algebra and real analysis, if you have to know).

As in, took them multiple times and celebrated a C/C- grade.

Funny, every non-math class I took, I got a B or even an A without even trying.

The math classes? My actual major? Not so much, once I hit the upper division classes.

Now, I did choose math in part because it was hard. Because I’m stubborn (or is it arrogant?) that way.

See, I can read and discuss history, philosophy, ethnic studies and a zillion other subjects on my own. But math beyond calculus? Was never going to be able to teach myself that.

Besides, we keep hearing about how the schools need teachers in STEM (science, technology, engineering and math) fields, so it should be easy to get a job, right?

Except it took me twice as long to finish the degree as I thought it would, because of depression and not working and then working and still depressed and so on and so on and so on.

But I did finish.

Then I got into a program to get my credential.

And choked on the finish line.

I WILL finish that this April, but the path here has been arduous.

And now I’m feeling like that may not be where I’m supposed to be.

Way back in the early 1990s, I considered leaving the military. I had an opportunity to leave before my time was up.

I consulted a couple of people, thinking I should be doing something metaphysical – since every time I go for any kind of reading, the reader invariably says, “You could do what I do.”

But everything at that time came back saying, “No, stay. It’s not time.”

Right now. . . I don’t know.

Things feel. . .  very strange.

Different.

Full of possibilities.

But at the same time, I don’t think I’m manic. I’m sleeping well, for one thing. (Less than four hours sleep a night is usually a pretty big indicator that I’m swinging that way).

So, I’m trying to get down as many ideas as I can, write as much as I can while this is in my head.

Maybe it’s time for something  . . . different.

I know I’m supposed to Teach.

But maybe that’s not math.

Scary Goals – Incredible Year Part 3

This is a continuation of my series about working through Goddess Leonie’s Incredible Year Workbook. If you haven’t seen them already here are Part 1: Affirmations and Part 2: Word of the Year.

In the goals section of the Life edition, she breaks the goals down into specific sections:

  • Financial
  • Body
  • Business/work
  • Creative
  • Spiritual
  • Family/friends
  • Personal 
  • “Goals that are so big & dreamy that I’m not even sure they are possible”

Goal-setting is scary enough to begin with for me; so scary, I often don’t even make them.

When I’m manic, I can dream up some pretty darn big goals. But when I’m depressed, I can’t take any steps to make them happen. I can’t even SEE steps to make them happen. So, then I take no steps to make my goals happen, and I chalk up yet another failure, [I’m goooood at failure. I’ve done it a LOT. It’s succeeding at something that scares me]  yet another chance to hate myself.

This means I try really, really hard to make realistic goals, if I make goals at all. Other goals, BIG goals, float around in my head, but rarely see the light of day.

And now, Leonie is asking me to actually WRITE THOSE SCARY THINGS DOWN?

EEK!

That’s more than enough to make me want to run to my bed and pull the covers up over my head. Panic attack! Ok, time to remember how to breathe. . . .

Let’s put that on a shelf somewhere because nailing down other goals is hard enough.

I’m only going to talk about some of them here because some just feel a bit too personal.

Financial:

If I’m dreaming, might as well just go for it, right?
Debt free
Have at least one-month buffer in YNAB
Steady income (whether it’s from my businesses or from a job – businesses preferred)
Measurable income from the businesses – affiliates, advertising, selling products
I have a number in mind for what I’d like my income to be at the end of the year.

Body (She calls it “My gorgeous goddess body goals”):

Some of these seem a little silly, but, again, putting it out there. I didn’t make my strength goals in 2012, so I’m looking at:
Squat my body weight
Bench press 75% of my body weight
a pull-up – wide-grip, overhand pull-up (between my weight being more than I can lift and a bad wrist, this has been the hardest strength goal)
Weight 140-150lbs
Actually do that hike Mon and I tried a few years back overlooking Horsetail Falls.
Walk 260 miles (that’s 5 miles/week)
Get back into my yoga practice – at least once a week
When the strength goals are met – get the tattoo C is helping me design (there’s a lot of symbolism in it, and I want to reach a particular goal before getting it/them)

Business and/or work goals

Oh, boy. I don’t know if I want to put these out there. Trying to get specific, even the small ones seem unrealistic. I’ll just say I have a certain number in mind for how many blog followers and income I receive.
sell an ebook
edit a book (which means I need goad the author into getting me some of the chapters to get started on. . . hint, hint. . .)
find a job teaching math – even if it’s part-time. In fact, a .5-.6 full-time job would probably be best, give me some time to work on the businesses
at least 52 blog posts – that’s only one per week spread out over all my blogs, that ought to be attainable.
Write up the study skills booklet for the tutoring blog.

Creative:

Write a self-help/spiritual/growth guide/ebook?/class?
Teach a class at the Learning Annex (topic?)
Write (from start to finish) a new knitting pattern (if I design, I tend to design on the needles and not write anything down)
write and/or record a meditation (sell?)
Take more pictures! (When I joined the Navy, I actually wanted to be a photographer’s mate, not an electronics tech, but I’ve never really pursued an interest in that.)
Help C with the tattoo design. I can’t draw, but I have a specific image in mind, so I’ll have to work closely with her.

Spiritual:

Let go of the fear (of a couple of different things)
Practice being loving (when depressed, this can be difficult, mostly because I isolate myself from other people).
Meditate regularly
Recognize happiness – BE HAPPY
Practice mindfulness, being in the moment

Family & friendship

The biggest one here is to spend more time with BFF. The last couple of years, I’ve hardly seen or talked to her, and I feel really guilty about that. She was the one that helped me the most with raising C when I was at my worst points. I need to be a better friend to her.
And, ok, I’ll say it, I do want to see M. We’ve talked about meeting up, but at the moment, it doesn’t look like either of us will have much cash to do it. So, need to get working on the financial goals.

Personal

Most of the other goals seem pretty personal to me. I couldn’t get a handle on this being a separate category.

And that leaves the Scary-Big goals.

Oh, boy.

I don’t think I can even put these out there. I wrote a couple of things on my pages, but they seem so crazy.

So, I go to the expert in overcoming being stuck (destuckification!) and Havi says:

Here’s the thing with thinking big. It can be terrifying. And when you’re in fear, you don’t take action. Or if you do take action, it’s not going to be the kind of thoughtful, intentional, motivated action that is going to serve you.There are a ton of “think big” people in the world, whether you’re dealing with coaching, “self-help” or the business world. Some of them are really great people– bright, charismatic, good-intentioned people . . . and some of them are pushy, sales-ey, highlighter-wielding types. I like to think of all of them collectively as the “biggifiers”.Even if we assume that they are all well-meaning, brimming over with integrity and have your own best interests nestled in their tender hearts, here’s what happens in real-time:

  • When biggifiers start shouting “think big think big think big” at you, your discomfort level rises to the point that you can’t absorb the rest of their smart, useful advice.
  • When biggifiers tell you that you “have to” do things (and you know, uncomfortable things like “stepping out of your comfort zone”), it’s completely understandable when you default into anxiety mode.
  • When biggifiers tell you how easy it is, you want to believe them … but you also know perfectly well that it isn’t. At least, not for you. And since you’re the one who has to do it, it’s not going to happen.
  • Sure you want to be able to think big, but you equally don’t want to have to do it, so you default into stuck.

Yes!

I knew she’d understand!

This is exactly how I feel.

This is just TOOOOO big for now, too scary. So, how do I deal with it? She says:

The solution is what I like to call Mindful Biggification.Yes, you biggify — but you do it in a slow, measured, conscious, mindful, compassionate way.You practice acknowledging your fear when it shows up. You practice meeting yourself where you are. You practice letting “being in the process” be the “win”, and not having to nail some external goal.You work on letting go of the need for outside legitimacy. You work on noticing where you need grounding, support, shelter and stability. You work on discovering which parts of you are scared to shine and giving them loving attention. 

Ah, ok.

Mindful Biggification.

That goes with the “practice mindfulness” goal.

And I am trying to “biggify” this year.

I think I’m caught in the loop of, “I thought I was going to biggify three years ago, and what happened? I spent a little money and then didn’t follow through. Like always.”

I’m scared that if I put the scary-big goals out there where everyone can see them, then I’ll fall on my face (yet again) and having everyone know exactly how bad. . .

Yeah, I don’t want to do that right now. I’m not that confident yet.

So, I wrote them down in my book. And I’ll look at them when I review the other goals.

I watched an interview with Yanik Silver on Eventual Millionaire today. He talks about using a journal or planner to write goals down. But he writes them down and then puts it away. He doesn’t do the stuff other people talk about. For him, creating the goal and writing it is enough.

Not sure that’s enough for me, as I’ve written goals before. But for now, the big, scary ones remain private.

Not my business

I want to make a point here that this blog is NOT my business.
This blog is about accountability, personal growth, crap I’m going through, and talking about my business in a place where my business customers are not hanging out.
I’m pretty sure that most of the people reading this one at this point are my friends and family. Which is great, and exactly what I want this blog to be.
 
I’m not working on building a ton of traffic here or looking at monetizing this in any real way.
Why do I say this?
Because I just watched Ittybiz’s final Fail-Proof video where Dave & Naomi are talking about accountability, and how an accountability group is NOT a support group.
This hit me like a bolt of lightning.
Accountability is not support; it’s accountability. There must be some fear of being accountable in order for it to work. This makes so much sense, and I’m not sure why I never thought that before.
Anyway, I think after watching that video that I can talk about my business struggles here, since here is not connected to my business. And you guys can push me.
But I also need to find someone that is already successful at something similar to add to my accountability list.
That’s a completely scary idea.

"Very Personal Ads"

Have you visited The Fluent Self? www.thefluentself.com
I love Havi. I can’t handle reading her every day, but when I’m in the mood for extreme silliness and motivation, I go straight to her site.
I want to learn Shiva Nata, but I can’t afford the basic learning package.
Someone was going to pay for me to see her when she came to Sacramento a few weeks ago, but I was too late signing up and the class was full.
So, I used some of the Holiday money I received to finally download the Monster Manual & Coloring Book.
Monsters! Of DOOOOM!
C and I have been having fun coloring monsters. And since it’s an ebook, we can print it out again and again and color them differently. Maybe I’ll scan and post a few of my monsters in the coming weeks. Anyway, another thing that Havi does is Very Personal Ads.
Every week, she writes an “ad” for something that she wants in her life. A house, a Playground for her business, more time to live her life, success for her business projects, anything that she feels she needs in her life.
She hates the word “manifest” but to me, this feels like basics of Magick and/or the New Age idea of Manifestation. In order to craft a good spell, you need to be able to articulate exactly what you want. And then you have to release your emotional attachment to it. It’s also the basis for a lot of New Age stuff (what is now apparently being called Airy Fairy Woo Woo Hippy Crap). I’m used to keeping these things private, though, not sticking them out there for the whole world to see. 
What I like about Havi’s Very Personal Ads is that not only does she list her goals, she lists the mundane steps she needs to take to make them come true. She calls this “how this could happen.”
She does these every week.
I’m not good at making firm goals or plans. This is one of the things I’m really working on.
I don’t think I can commit to doing goals once a week. I’m not good at even making them once a year.
But maybe I can do it once a month.
This post is already getting long, but I’m going to list a few here now.
  • Sufficient income to pay my bills and start accumulating some savings. I have a number in mind, but I’m a little reluctant to post that.
  • At least half of that income coming from my business.
  • I need to “up my game” with regards to my business. I missed out on IttyBiz’s last big sale, and now her store is closed. Again, I didn’t have the money to invest in tools that might help my business. Likewise, I can’t afford to invest in Dave Navarro’s (not the music guy) big sale before everything costs waaaaay too much. I’m really tired of not being able to take advantage of tools that could help me (I also couldn’t afford Ramit Sethi’s Earn 1K). I’m tired of that. But I CAN take advantage of notes I took during Ramit’s free webinars, and notes I’ve been making off of Naomi Dunford’s and Dave Navarro’s Failproof Your Business series. And I’ve downloaded Dave’s free content and I’ve started working on the 4 free workbooks he’s got. Anyway, I’m taking small steps here.
  •  By the end of January, I want to have my tutoring website revamped, at least one video made, finish the Study Skills ebook and have it ready for sale.
  • I want a list of at least 2000 people. That may seem small to some people, but since I have less than 20 people following on FeedBurner, 2000 seems like a lot to me.
Is this doable in a month? I’m only working 8 hours at my day job, doing my normal tutoring, and classes start again next week. 
Is this too much? 
I should have at least a couple of hours every weekday to work on this. Is that enough?

Things that are obvious to see, but hard to implement

I’m still really terrible at self-discipline stuff.

On the one hand, I’m doing really well keeping up with my classes, and pretty well keeping up with clients. That’s good.

But my house is still a mess, hours/days after getting it caught up pretty well.

I haven’t really exercised in weeks. I bought an exercise ball and some bands and I pull them out for a few minutes here and there, but not really working-up-a-sweat exercising.

And, of course, I haven’t been writing.

I’ve been reading Ramit Sethi’s stuff. Not just his “I will teach you to be rich” blog but also his emails for his “Earn 1K” course.

I really wanted to buy into his course last month when he opened it up, but I don’t have the disposable income to throw into it. I’m still living too close to the edge. But I did watch his free webcasts that he used to build up enthusiasm for the course. And I’m reading all his emails, as he beefs up to run it again.

The first thing I notice is that there is no magic bullet in his stuff. It’s all pretty much common sense, with a big push to just GET OFF YOUR ASS ALREADY AND DO IT!

And then there is the fact that I don’t seem to value myself.

My other webpage has my “new” tutoring rates, set at $35/hr base rate. However, I have yet to have a client actually pay that. And I’m beginning to resent it. My newest client should be paying it, but past clients keep telling new clients how much they are paying, and it is driving me crazy.

Especially when I saw this ad on craigslist. If the ad is gone when you look for it, it’s of a young woman, attractive, who has similar qualifications that I did when I started tutoring. She’s part-way through getting the same degree I got, just like I was when I started. And her picture shows her at a bar with a drink in her hand. She is asking $30/hr. The picture is unprofessional, and I don’t see many high school parents picking her over others that are advertising, because of the pictures.

But then I remember when I was posting on craigslist. I had all kinds of people contact me, even when it was obvious it was not a good fit. My ad specified pre-algebra through calculus. I would get parents of 3rd graders emailing me. I listed certain neighborhoods; I’d have someone 30 miles further than the furthest neighborhood I specified contact me. It was insane.

On the one hand, I’m grateful that most of my current clients are referrals from past clients. But I’m also frustrated that this referral network makes it difficult to raise my rates. I *need* to raise my rates, but I apparently lack the confidence to do so.

Someone kick me in ass!

Publish Post

I really wanted to be able to buy into the Earn 1k course because raising rates is one of the exercises he works on.