Already a fire hose of bad things (pt 1)

I’m going to have to break this one up into several parts because I do not have the time to cover it all in one day. I don’t know about the other services, but in the Navy, we had to learn basic firefighting skills (see the Forrestal disaster), so I’ve held a fire hose. While it’s now been well over 30 years since boot camp, I remember the feeling of trying to not lose control of it any second.

You know, I seem to remember when Obama and Clinton were in office, Republicans complained about them “ruling by fiat” by signing “too many” Executive Orders, Presidential Memos and Presidential Proclamations. I don’t think any president in my lifetime has signed 26 EOs plus a ton of memos and proclamations. This article does a good breakdown. Biden only did 9 his first day, and 22 total his first week. That had been a record until this week.

I went to WhiteHouse.gov to look up something, and EWWWWWW. There’s a very nationalistic video that plays the first time you go to the main page, ew, ew, ew. [There is a difference between patriotism and nationalism and deifying a “Leader” that this video does. I’m a little frustrated, because the EO’s don’t list their EO number like a NORMAL president, just his bombastic titles. And it’s sometimes difficult to tell if it’s an EO, PM or PP. Anyway, here’s some things he’s already tried to do:

  1. “Ending illegal discrimination and restoring merit-based opportunity” – As with a lot of Repubilcans’ laws/statements, this is exactly the opposite of what it says (see: “Right to Work”). The order is saying DEI/DEIA policies “violate the text and spirit” of civil rights, calling it “illegal preferences and discrimination.” He is revoking Executive Orders and Presidential Memos back as far as 1965’s Equal Employment Opportunity order. This is a nightmare. It is framed over and over again as protecting civil rights, when it very clearly does the opposite. Essentially, if you aren’t a cis-hetero white guy, you don’t deserve a job with the government or any government contractor. Read the full text, it’s setting us back 60 years. With this, he’s also ordering all DEI staff to be placed on paid leave, starting TODAY, Jan 22, 2025. At least they’re getting paid, at least for a little while. What’s even more wild, is all the media I can find on this is either neutral or IN SUPPORT of this. Insane. What happened to that famed “liberal media”?
  2. Keeping Americans Safe in Aviation. This is more of the same – DEI is hurting the FAA, so they need to stop trying to recruit marginalized people.
  3. Guaranteeing the States Protection Against Invasion. He bloviates about how there were too many “illegals” (read: undocumented) people entering the country under Biden. This is . . . . not true. Politifact rated Vice President Kamalea Harris’ statement in October 2024 of “As of today we have cut the flow if immigration by over half” as TRUE. Politifact says that between December 2023 and the end of September 2024 it was down over 70%. And, of course, DJT killed the bipartisan border bill last summer.
  4. Restoring Names That Honor American Greatness – renaming things back to Confederate “heros” and removing Native American names, especially from Denali in Alaska. This one has been fairly well reported.
  5. Designating Cartels And Other Organizations As Foreign Terrorist Organizations And Specially Designated Global Terrorists (doesn’t he have ANYONE on his staff that can write better titles?) This is the one where he wants to invoke the Alien Enemies Act – which, we all know what happened the LAST time that was invoked, right?
  6. REFORMING THE FEDERAL HIRING PROCESS AND RESTORING MERIT TO GOVERNMENT SERVICE (I did a copy/paste and, yes, it’s in all caps). They sure do have a different definition of “merit” than I do. This is more of the same from #1. Diversity bad. Within 120 days, OMB (interestingly, the real page for this reroutes to whitehouse.gov, it’s like the OMB doesn’t actually exist), OPM, DOGE, and “assistant to the president for domestic policy” will develop an entirely new Federal Hiring Plan that prioritizes efficiency, “passionate about the ideals of our American republic” and “prevent the hiring of individuals based on race, sex, or religion”. Again, read the full text, if you can take the time. He also wants to decrease the time to hire to 80 days. That part would be nice, but in order to do it, well, they’d need to hire a lot more HR people, especially since also wants to make sure the Secretary and Director levels are involved in every step of the hiring process.
  7. Ending Radical and Wasteful Government DEI Programs and Preferencing – how many times is he saying the same goddamn thing? But the scary thing? A lot of people don’t realize that veterans’ preference in federal hiring can come under this and the federal government is the largest employer of veterans and disabled veterans. Honorably discharged vets get a 5-point preference in hiring. Veterans with 30% or more disability rating get a 10-point preference. If you’re removing DEI preferences, that effects a whole lot of people, many of whom voted for this.

I’m going to stop there because I am so worked up, if I’m going to sleep at all tonight. . . . I can’t talk too freely about some things that will affect me directly, but this is really scary on multiple levels. I know a lot of this is being reported heavily, but I think a few are going under the radar. I want to read them all myself, and writing helps me process.

I want to remind people that during the Holocaust, Jewish people were not the only victims. Disabled (mental or physical) people, Romani, political enemies, LGBTQIA people (and research!), communists, Catholics, Jehovah’s Witnesses (that one was new to me), people of color, political dissidents, anyone they could call “undesirable”, which eventually became . . . . . . a lot of people.

I am not being alarmist. Other people ranging from far left to centrists are not being alarmist and hyperbolic. I feel like I haven’t been loud ENOUGH.

I was one of those people that had an interest in WW2, from a perspective of “How did everyday Germans let this happen?”, looking to make sure we could avoid it. I read Albert Speer’s Inside the Third Reich on my own in high school. I read about The Third Wave experiment by Ron Jones (there’s a good movie, a novelization, and a German mini-series about it). I’m rereading They Thought They Were Free by Milton Mayer now. I had lessons in recognizing propaganda in history, English, and government classes. I guess I understand now that not everyone had that. But there was soooo much media about how bad the Nazis were when I was growing up. It was something to be avoided at all costs.

I know that there was a fascist faction in the US back in the 30s/40s. I know about the Madison Square Garden rally, I remember in the 80s and 90s the paramilitary groups, far right groups coopting skinhead and punk culture, infiltrating the military and police. Even then they were mostly targeting lonely young men, much like they are doing now. But I really thought we, as a society, were done with that. More fool me, I guess. They kept infiltrating, more quietly. And now here we are.

I started this in the morning before work. It’s starting to get late now and I’m losing steam. I’m hoping to publish mostly on Wednesday and Sunday, but this first week or two of the administration, it will be more.

What does this have to do with witchy and spiritual shit? Hang out a while and I’ll get to that. Hint: Witchcraft is, in and of itself, an act of rebellion.

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Good-bye TikTok

Thoughts on DJT “saving” tiktok

TikTok logo

Last night, TikTok went dark for those of us in the U.S.

By 10am this morning, it was back up. But Trump posted this on his Truth Social:

screenshot of a Truth Social post from DJT talking about the TT ban

Look at that carefully. Is he saying that TikTok will be half owned by the US GOVERNMENT??? Or just by a US firm? I can’t tell, but either way, with, of all people, TRUMP saving TikTok this way . . .. .. . I don’t think I can stomach it. (I mean, we wouldn’t be in this position in the first place if he hadn’t started pushing the ban in 2020!)

I have really enjoyed TT, even though I haven’t posted that much. I’ve learned a lot of things about rare medical issues, deeper anti-racism stuff, been exposed to a lot of things I never would have been exposed to in other places. It’s been a lot of fun for my short attention span. FB & Instagram reels just aren’t anywhere near as good. YouTube shorts. .. . I don’t know, even though I’m trying to follow the same people there, it’s not hitting the same. If I do change my mind and I start to make short-form videos on YouTubeShorts or TT or anywhere else, I’ll let you know.

I feel I’m better at expressing myself in writing, rather than on video, but I was starting to WANT to try to get better at video. TikTok made captioning and editing really easy for almost anyone to get started with no experience or equipment other than their phone. The algorithm is so good, it gets you stuff you want without you even knowing exactly what you want.

Have you ever been on TikTok? Have you ever posted there? What was your experience? Let me know!

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Roller Coaster of Emotions

Wow. I knew I’d ignored my blogs for a while, but didn’t realize I haven’t had a substantive post since 2014! A lot of ups and downs in that time.

  • Summer 2015 – got a good job with grown up money and benefits for the first time in over a decade.
  • Winter 2015/2016 – an old friend needed a place to stay, and in the interest of paying the universe back for the help I received, I let him move in with me. Signed up for a Master’s degree online program. Then I got diagnosed with colon cancer. Since my daughter was grown up and moved out, having someone in the house while I was going through that really helped. Although I had to give up privacy that I crave. (Also, he’s an alcoholic, but that’s for another time). I had to put the Master’s on hold. Moved to a 2 bedroom apartment.
  • Spring and Summer 2016 – dealing with chemo, but also connecting to other women veterans through a new local group.
  • Fall 2016 – jumped into the Master’s program taking 2 classes, which really stressed me out.
  • Winter/Spring 2016/2017 – got a credential for work, was completely buried under with the Master’s. Over my head a bit. Ended up with C in one class I took, and had to redo it.
  • Fall 2017 – got a promotion at work.
  • Winter 2017 – forced Roommate to go to the V.A. for addiction counseling. There was a whole big deal with the neighbor calling police and everything.
  • Spring 2018 – took time off from the Master’s to give myself a break and reevaluate if I wanted to keep going. My daughter graduated from university.
  • Summer 2018 – got sick of the alcoholic roommate. At this point, he’d lost a couple of jobs, started a new one and now was drinking regularly again. I couldn’t take it anymore. Asked him to leave.

So, up, down, up, down, up, down.

But that’s life, right?

I’ve missed writing, but in the time since I stopped blogging, I was somewhat disconnected from my emotions and spirituality.

Also, when I was blogging before and trying to make a business out of my witchiness, I was steeped in dozens of courses and other middle-aged white women trying to do a spiritual or coaching business. There was a whole circle-jerk of us? them? advising each other to up-level and increase your email list, and get the clients who will pay hundreds of dollars for a couple hours of talking with you.

I grew to hate it. Especially after one such coaching session, where I said I wanted to make a set of affirmation cards or something like that and the coach insisted I needed to do intense coaching sessions to make money, just like she was. No. That isn’t what I want to do. Then she insisted I put more coaching sessions on a credit card I didn’t have.

I don’t want to hustle to find broken women and take money from them, often when they are at a really low point. And it began to feel like a multilevel marketing scam.

No, I liked my blog when it was just me, trying to figure life out. I’ve really wanted to get back to blogging for a while, but couldn’t find my voice. I think it’s important for me to get back to it, to center myself again.

How are you doing? What have you been up to the past 5 years? FIVE YEARS, good grief.

 

 

NOT sending a letter

This is sort of a continuation of my last post.

One of the things I don’t like about myself is my capacity for stupid obsessions.
Ever since that phone call, I’ve been obsessing. It wasn’t going away or getting better. In the comments, Monday’s Child suggested that I allow the fantasy to play out.
That sort of made it worse.
Yesterday, it was even worse.
Now, logically I know that this is just a way for my brain to distract me from other things I need to be doing or from the fact that I’ve (almost) failed at something.
I posted on Facebook that I was mad at my “diseased brain”. One of my friends, another math teacher who has been a long-distance mentor, posted about my brain not being diseased. We then had a private chat where I told her some of the background information.
She said all the right things. And I know all those things.
He’s a liar; he’s a manipulator; he’s not worth my time and energy.
I know.
But knowing that doesn’t stop my stupid brain from running the fantasies.
If I squash it during my waking hours, it shows up in my sleeping ones. If I try to consciously redirect it to where I’m beating the crap out of him, it still keeps running back to reunion scenarios. If I don’t find a way to fight this, I know where I’ll end up – depressed and anxious.
Last night, after chatting with JF, I pulled out my affirmation notebook and wrote a few simple positive affirmations to try to clear the psychic decks.
By the time I was done writing three affirmations twenty times each, I felt like writing something else.
I wrote a letter to him.
Six pages.
Wow.
I had no idea I still had six pages of stuff to work out about him. I haven’t written that fluently in years.
It has some bitter-sweet stuff, some anger, some pity, some sadness in it.
But there was a theme through all six pages. His lack of respect for me came through very clearly, maybe more clearly than I’ve seen it before.
When I was done, I felt . . . empty. 
I have no intention of sending this to him. It wasn’t for him. It was for me.
Maybe now I can actually get some work done. 

Holidays and Journals

Happy Holidays!
One of the presents I received was from R. R is family, but not related by blood (insert long complicated explanation here). Suffice to say, I love her dearly. 
The last time I spoke with her, I found out she was reading this blog.  That thrills me more than I can say. She said that she really enjoys my writing. 
And like normal, my mind tried to deny that. I’ve practiced long and hard at just saying, “Thank you, “ to compliments, but honestly, my mind is just like my teen daughter’s in this respect. It starts saying, “I don’t write that well, really,” and a ton of other negativities.
Anyway, R sent me this lovely journal. It’s faux crocodile skin with silver-gilt edging, and just gorgeous. And thick. Lots of pages.
I have this history with journals. 
I love them! I buy them (though I’ve never bought one this nice for myself). I use them. 
For a little while.  You know, when I’m a tad manic, and trying to get myself together, and thinking that I’m going to be this creative genius (because, really, what’s the point of being bipolar if I can’t be a creative genius?) Or when I’m really depressed and I’ve driven everyone away and I have no one to talk to, I write then.
Then I stop.
I get too busy, or I get depressed, or I misplace the journal, or I spend too much time online, or. . . you know, life gets in the way.
Then when I want to write again after months, or sometimes years, off, I can’t find the last one I was using (because I’m a disorganized wreck, of course).  Or I think it will look pathetic to have a 2 year gap in the journal. 
So I buy a new one. 
Or I try to write a computer journal.
But somehow, like with math, my hand is connected to my brain. The journaling doesn’t stick unless I do it by hand.
I’m feeling a little bit of pressure to fill this one, and not give up on it 20 pages in. It’s so much nicer than any I’ve bought for myself. 
I did fill four pages today. 
That’s a good start, I think.
Thank you so much, R. It’s really lovely.

Lots going on – School, work, business. . .

I’ve got a lot of irons in the fire right now. So much so that I’m a little worried about myself.

Earlier today, BFF asked me to fill out my Moodscope chart, because I hadn’t in 2 months. I’m really thankful that I have someone in my life that is that attuned to my moods. Thanks for worrying.

I’ve started grad school, at National University, for my teaching credential. It’s only been one week, and I’m feeling completely overwhelmed. One main reason is all these things I have to pay for. I’ll be reimbursed for much of it, but it will take time for the reimbursement to happen. I’ve got to gather together my receipts so I can put in for the reimbursement. I also still need to gather some more info for my Voc Rehab guy, and the info for the books I need for my September class.

I’m unfocused at my day job, which is not good. I need to do as well as I am able at this job, so they will accommodate the time off I will need for classroom observations. I don’t want to be the office screw up. I want to do well at whatever I do, even if it is not my ideal situation.

My business is in a lull time right now; it always is right before school starts again. But I should be getting my business license in the mail soon, which is exciting.

I’m afraid it will all be too much for me, especially since I haven’t completed my goals of getting my apartment organized or setting up new cleaning routines.

I have cleaned the kitchen today, and most of the dining area, and C has made some progress in the living room, but it’s not enough for me to feel comfortable yet.

I’m also not keeping up with this blog very well. I want to write things about observations from other blogs and things I read. Instead, it’s turning into a journal. Not what I intended.  But that’s ok, for the moment. I need a place where I can process what I’m going through, and this is as good a place as any.